We at Sports Riot like to think we’re a worldly bunch, but nothing could have prepared us for last week’s interview with Dunker the Murray State mascot. Here’s what we learned:
1) You Do Not Need A Concealed Carry Permit To Fire A T-Shirt Gun At A Cop
During the interview the mascot whipped out a polymer-grip Rev. 10 Air Fill Launcher and pointed it straight at a cop’s head, shouting, “Don’t move, pig, unless you want a three-dollar t-shirt where your fuckin’ head used to be!” But then Dunker started laughing — and wouldn’t you know it, the cop started laughing, too! Turns out Dunker’s a Southwestern Kentucky celebrity, and if he wants to brandish his lucky t-shirt cannon at the 5-0, that’s A-OK in their book.
2) Horse Mascots And Eagle Mascots Do NOT Get Along
After the police incident, Dunker offered to take us to a local dive as an apology. Weirdly enough, we happened to notice the Boston College mascot was drinking a few tables over and we made the mistake of inviting him to sit with us. One busted bird trachea later and it’s safe to say we learned our lesson.
3) It Turns Out You Can Drive A Motorcycle & Chain-Fight The Russian Mafia In A Horse Costume
We wanted to leave after the mascot fight, but we should’ve known nothing’s that simple when you’re hanging with the Dunk Dawg. That horse led us into the parking lot to do lines of yayo with some dude named Boris, but halfway through his turn, Boris grabbed Dunker’s mane and said he knew he’d been messing around with the wife of his boss, who was high-ranking Bratva. One failed ambush later and Dunker had killed 20 mobsters with his Harley while chain-whipping anyone who dared come within 15 feet of his coked-out hooves.
4) You’re Only Here Now, With The People You’re With
As the sun rose, we sat overlooking Dunker’s town of Murray for hours. The horse stared off into the distance, the wind from the tree-strewn Kentucky hills whistling at his back. His fuzzy horse lips said nothing, but his eyes said everything. And we knew that after this adventure with Dunker, our lives would never be the same. Godspeed Dunker, Godspeed.