5 Signs You’re Too Ugly To Root For Jimmy Garoppolo

When I first saw Jimmy Garoppolo, I said, “Have mercy! John Stamos is 22 again!” I decided that he’s so attractive that no ugly person should be able to root for him.

So if you’re not sure whether you can raise your arms in triumph when the Greek God of Wet Underwear leads the 49ers across the goal-line, here are five easy signs to know that you’re too ugly to root for Handsome Jimmy:

1. Do you not have Perricone skin care products in your medicine cabinet?

If you don’t care enough to preserve the elasticity and collagen in your facial area, what makes you think you’re worthy of claiming to have a rooting interest in gorgeous Jimmy?

2. Would Charlize Theron have sex with you?

No? Obviously, you ugly mutt. Better go buy that Patrick Mahomes jersey.

3. Do you make noises?

Yuck! That type of repugnance isn’t suitable for inaudible cheers for handsome Jim.

4. Are you not a centaur?

Horses are hot but not that hot. Plus you’re only half a horse, the “human” half isn’t helping your cause. 

5. Do you eat chicken fingers?

You think it’s appropriate to clap your hands together with greasy finger tips for someone as sexual as Jimmy? I don’t think so. You better go for the tuna tartare at your Super Bowl party if you plan on rooting for number 10 who is a 10.