Entries by iancomedian

Hear Us Out: Fuck Baltimore, Edgar Allen Poe Would Have Been A Red Sox Fan

To you, the name Edgar Allen Poe might conjure three things: the Raven-black hair, the mustache, and of course, the macabre and lamp-lit streets of Baltimore. But what if I told you, although Poe spent his latter life in the City of Charm and thus frequently referenced it in his works, he was not, as […]

What A Waste: Make A Wish Kid Chooses To Attend Minnesota Timberwolves Game

In a move that shocked the entire nonprofit industry, terminally ill child Danny Velasquez wasted his once in a lifetime Make-A-Wish on tickets to a Minnesota Timberwolves game. Velasquez reportedly squandered his one and only opportunity to do whatever his heart desired on $110 lower-level seats he could have just asked his parents for.   […]

We Rank The Top 30 NBA Teams By How Many Lebron James’ They Have

LeBron is life, LeBron is basketball, and it’s said that wherever two or more people are gathered in his name, LeBron is with them. But is it really possible to define or even “locate” LeBron James? We’re going to do the hard work for you: Here the top thirty NBA teams ranked by how many […]

Tom Brady Can Come Back From Retirement, So Can My Lazy 82-Year-Old Father

Tom Brady — Excellence. Dedication. Sacrifice. My 82-year old dad? Lazy. Bottom-percentile measurables. Retired since 2007. Tom Brady was only retired for a month, so I think the fifteen years my dad has spent lazing about, watching the hummingbirds and mourning my stepmom or whatever the hell he does all day is long enough.   […]

Eco Win! Qatar Debuts Soccer Stadiums Built Entirely From Recycled Bodies

In one of the boldest moves yet to counteract climate disaster, the president of Qatar’s Government Development Bureau, Rizwan bin Nasir Al-Fayyad, announced on Thursday that all World Cup stadiums currently under construction will now be required to be comprised of 95-percent migrant laborer bodies.   “With all the energy we will need to use […]

The Top 5 Exercises To Turn That Dad Bod Into An Infertile Wasteland

Yes, the pandemic death rates might be thinning, but that beer belly of yours sure isn’t! We say it’s time you ditch the soft, pudgy Dad Bod and instead crater it into the horrifying, completely impotent modern art sculpture that will make her say, “What the fuck am I looking at?”! Here are five exercises to help you get started: NEGLECT: Just […]