Baker Mayfield Loses FirstEnergy Stadium In Divorce

Speaking at a press conference held outside of the MC Hammer wing of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame where he is temporarily residing, Browns quarterback and former owner and devoted caretaker of Cleveland’s FirstEnergy Stadium Baker Mayfield gave a tearful address to reporters where he confirmed that, as per his divorce settlement, he will be forced to find a new place to live.⠀

“From my morning routine of running all four tiers of the stadium’s steps, to skipping out on my training in order to kill an afternoon playing Mario Party on the jumbotron with my friends from Progressive corporate, I’m going to miss my colossal, $300 million-dollar home,” stated Mayfield, who admitted serious regret that he had not insisted on a prenuptial agreement to ensure his retention of the three-bedroom, 67,895-seat residence. “To all my fans, I want you to know that, while I may no longer be around this stadium as often, I’ll still be there for you on my visitation days of Sunday, Thursday and Monday nights, and maybe eventually Thanksgiving.”⠀

According to court records, Mayfield will retain custody of his entire offensive line, who will provide a much-needed cushion against accusations that he did not put enough effort into his marriage. Mayfield’s ex-wife will retain all the Browns’ skill position players, although custody of Nick Chubb was left open to negotiation, provided Mayfield agrees to stop standing outside of the stadium at night and holding up a boombox blasting the theme to the Drew Carey Show in an attempt to win her back.⠀

While the divorce has been finalized, Mayfield admitted that he was still having difficulty accepting that FirstEnergy was truly no longer his, often finding himself “accidentally” driving by to check if his wife had followed through on her threats to change the stadium’s color scheme.⠀

“It’s still my house, at least in my head,” added Mayfield. “I’ll still think of it that way as long as the commercials are running. So, at least a couple more months, until they inevitably replace me with Justin Herbert.”⠀