During a joint press conference with the US Department of Defense and the NBA, the United States today formally announced that they would be willing to trade nuclear warheads to Serbia in a desperate bid to acquire more Nikola Jokics.

“Everyday the Chinese Basketball League grows stronger, so with help from our Serbian allies we’re prepared to stockpile as many Nikola Jokics as possible to maintain global stability,” said NBA commissioner Adam Silver. “You saw the devastation that a single Yao Ming inflicted on the league—now imagine if our adversaries got their hands on five Jokics. We’d be triple-doubled back to the G-League. The Canadian G-League.”

Basketball officials have long warned of the dangers of hostile countries getting their hands on their very own Nikola Jokic, particularly three sinister nations dubbed the ‘Axis of B-Ball’—China, Iran, and North Korea.

“We have scouting report intel that North Korea is trying to produce their own Nikola Jokics, but thankfully they’re using Cold War-era Vlade Divac technology,” said Brendan McKillop, head of International Basketball Operations. “But the fact is that even with a hypothetical Nikola-Non-Proliferation Treaty, Jokics are already out there in the world. It’s fine if we can keep it contained to Denver, but if we don’t secure all the Jokics, next thing you know, one could go off in a real city, a big one.”

Talks between the two nations stalled, however, after Serbia sent a counter-offer of three hundred Bogdan Bogdanovićs and the rest of their Boban Marjanovic surplus.

Despite bringing together the biggest and brightest basketball, social activist, political, and artistic luminaries from all over this great republic for the annual tradition of national healing, this year’s NBA All-Star game failed to cure society’s ills. We at Sports Riot investigate where–and more importantly why–the league’s marquee game failed in its time-honored mission of healing America.

 “The All-Star game is consistently the balm on America’s soul,” rattled NBA commissioner Adam Silver, who hoped this year’s outing would be no different. 

“MJ’s performance alone in the ‘80s and ‘90s All-Star games single-handedly fixed racial division and pay equity, until he handed the baton to LeBron, who ultimately handed it to the Obama Administration in ‘08. In 2021, the sheer talent on the court gave scientists the inspiration they needed to invent the COVID vaccine.” Yet, this past weekend, Silver noted while in a defensive coil, inspired nothing but derision.

 “I don’t get it,” he said. “It’s like people are forgetting the historical context of the game. May I remind everyone that we, the NBA, through our All-Star passing, technique, shooting, and dunking ability, inspired such societal innovations like dental floss, personal email, strawberry smoothies, and the five-day-work-week.” Silver said. 

And yet, two teams playing in the most vibrant hamlet in all of Indiana, while on an LED court with graphics just as good as any N64 game, still was not enough to bring this country together. Sources tell Sports Riot the NBA even took lengths to cancel defense for the evening, but even this failed to save us, as a nation.

All-Star game MVP Damian Lillard didn’t have the answer either, but noted he was glad Kobe wasn’t alive to “see this shit,” while Steph Curry said the NBA could have picked a better and more vibrant town — like Oklahoma City or “anywhere else, really.” 

 Only time will tell if the All-Star game will unite our nation in restorative peace once more, though Sports Riot is optimistic about the healing power of the upcoming tried-and-true NHL Skills Competition.

On January 29, 1986, Sports Riot heroically covered the Space Shuttle Challenger’s abbreviated flight and sudden disintegration 46,000 feet above the Atlantic Ocean. Wilt Chamberlain was not, however, on that mission, as we previously reported.

In the news game you gotta be first, and we at Sports Riot remain committed to this maxim. Sometimes that means you’re wrong for 37 years until your daughter comes home with a diorama of the Challenger and you say, “Hey, where’s old number 13?” and she says, “I keep telling you, Wilt Chamberlain was not on the Challenger.” And you call your editor.

We apologize for the oversight. We’re sorry for saying that hall-of-fame-quality pieces of Chamberlain’s body were found scattered along Cape Canaveral. The satellite image we thought was the Big Dipper’s legendary dick was in fact a living nine-pound grouper. And the Challenger did not, as we claimed in ’86, fail due to a Chamberlain-initiated orgy.

Again: sorry.

But, you know, some of this is on you. Sports Riot always urges its readers to check multiple sources, including kids. We even published an “In Memoriam” that year, with another account of Chamberlain’s gruesome death and not one person corrected us. (Though a “realwiltchamberlain13” did write, “What the hell is this shit?”)

And hey, for our followers who considered Chamberlain dead as of 1986, you’ll be heartened to know he lived another 13 years. What a gift! But to be clear, among the seven brave men and women who died tragically aboard the Challenger that day, none was named Wilt Chamberlain.

We recently reached out for a comment from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar but discovered, sadly, that he perished on 9/11.