With the lights out, it’s less dangerous/
Here we are now, entertain us/
I feel stupid and contagious/
Here we are now, entertain us/
A mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, my libido/
A denial, a denial, a denial, a denial, a denial/
A denial, a denial, a denial, a denial.
In one of the boldest moves yet to counteract climate disaster, the president of Qatar’s Government Development Bureau, Rizwan bin Nasir Al-Fayyad, announced on Thursday that all World Cup stadiums currently under construction will now be required to be comprised of 95-percent migrant laborer bodies.
“With all the energy we will need to use to cool the stadiums, we have heard your criticisms loudly and clearly,” stated Al-Fayyad, who also mentioned that thanks to his country’s relaxed labor laws and the kafala system’s innovative method of rapid passport confiscation, the material itself could be sourced quickly and basically for free. “By switching over to this completely organic, biodegradable material, we hope to demonstrate our unique commitment to preserving humanity—both figuratively and literally.”
According to the government’s environmental impact report, use of migrant bodies has the potential to reduce carbon dioxide emissions by a staggering 100 percent as soon as the material is harvested. Al-Fayyad also noted that, unlike traditional materials, the bodies were an entirely renewable resource, with a new crop of migrant laborer able to be collected in as little as 18 years, although he did note it was important not to let the material mature much longer than this to avoid development of class consciousness.
Although the material has never been used before, the unique choice is already making waves in the international community, with nations such as China, Saudi Arabia, and North Korea indicating that they are already developing pilot programs of their own to test the material’s efficacy.
As for the initial program, if it proves successful, Qatar plans to implement a second phase of sustainable development whereby the new steel used to build the stadiums’ bleachers would instead be replaced by rows of living migrant laborers for attendees to sit on.
–
Joke:
Article: John
Editor: Constantine
Proofreader:
Yes, the pandemic death rates might be thinning, but that beer belly of yours sure isn’t! We say it’s time you ditch the soft, pudgy Dad Bod and instead crater it into the horrifying, completely impotent modern art sculpture that will make her say, “What the fuck am I looking at?”! Here are five exercises to help you get started:
Ladies, look out next week for our list of the best ways to get a six-pack uterus.
If you’re poor gutter trash like us at Sports Riot and don’t make seven figures a month, here’s the top five sports your trailer-park piece-of-garbage-ass shouldn’t even fantasize about playing:
It’s expensive to run a gym. And the lawsuit payouts from harboring predators can get insane. That’s why some gymnastics lessons can run $200 a week, which is a lot of money to learn you can’t do more than summersault. Looks like you’ll be sticking to flipping on your rusted-out trampoline for the low, low cost of one tetanus shot.
Don’t let ‘The Mighty Ducks” fool you. Poor kids can’t afford the ice time, equipment, or loads of disgusting pads that stink up their parents’ pathetic three-bed, two-bath house. And for us middle-class scum, it’s either street hockey or living on the street after trying to afford the real thing which would also lead to street hockey.
Not only do you have to have the money to buy and maintain a horse — which can run up to $20,000 a year — but you also have to shell out money for horse swimming lessons, too. That’s on top of acquiring a pool big enough to fit every player’s horse, many of which need to be replaced after they drown. Annoying!
That’s right: Human Hunting. If you thought it shouldn’t cost more than the price of a gun to hunt people, think again. Not only do you have to be an eccentric billionaire, but you also need to own your own island. And after that, prepare to cough up millions in payouts for local police to look the other way. But hey, we bums can still be the hunted!!
No doubt about it: Golf is for rich assholes who blow their noses in 1500 thread count sheets and use Uber Black to get from hole to hole. Slobs like us in our Dockers won’t even be let past the gate.
Highlights from today’s amazing blowout against the small island nation of Tuvalu in the South Pacific prove the US Women’s National Soccer Team has racked up another courageous win for feminism.
Nothing could hold the American spirit back during the match that took place on one of the third world nation’s thinly populated nine islands — not even the jeers and pleas for mercy from the crowd.
“We weren’t sure if the other team had the advantage, them being used to playing on these fields and all,” said forward Ashley Hatch of the holes left from World War II American bombs.
“But somehow, we were able to pull-off a 35-0 victory.”
Indeed, the USWNT deftly maneuvered around various obstacles, like buried landmines and armed guerillas, who ensured the Tuvaluan women kept every inch of their skin covered at all times under threat of public execution.
Star goalkeeper, Alyssa Naeher, said the team was able to turn such potential pitfalls into advantages. “The craters forced us to up our passing game, which tired the other team out pretty quickly in the 103-degree weather,” Naeher said. “We became unstoppable. I mean, the Tuvaluan team was literally unconscious by the fourth minute of play.”
The American women look forward to rallying together in sisterhood this Saturday to absolutely destroy Iran’s new women’s team, who were just legally allowed to touch sports equipment last December.
–
Joke:
Article: Laura
Editor: Constantine
Proofreader:
We’re coming to you live from the Bikram Wellness Center on Ventura Blvd., – where honestly – you don’t stand a chance to finish this yoga class. Tonight’s guest yogi guru is none other than Baba Ramdev, and his “No limits” philosophy has earned him the nickname throughout India as “The Bombay Bad Boy.” With the average student in tonight’s yoga class having 5% body fat, you know, they know, you know they know that you’re fucked.
“Baba knows just where to push my boundaries. Nobody can get me in shape before a triathlon like he can,” shared a regular student at the Bikram Center who you have no hope of ever competing with. “Ha! I do yoga on my cheat day. It’s just relaxing after combatting forest wildfires the other six days of the week,” lamented another shredded student and firefighter who led the chit-chat with the factoid that he can hold his breath underwater for five minutes.
Remember – you’re not them. Yoga is for everyone, just push, push, push your limits. And, try not to shit your pants.
A lot of self help “experts” will tell you thousands of ways to improve yourself. Reading, meaningful relationships, talking about feelings. I’m here to tell you that’s all goddamn nonsense. Now, drop and give me 20.
The journey to 20 was a long one. I was broke, weak, and at the edge. I followed the advice of those closest to me. I tried taking a lap, and nothing. Hell, I even hit the showers, and still felt empty. Then one day, my dad, laying on his deathbed, looked me right in the eyes, and whispered “drop and give me 20, you giant vagina.” However, I was young and stupid, and hadn’t given myself 20 in a long, long time. I could only give him 10, and he looked at me with such disappointment before the light left his eyes. Never again.
Others have ignored my advice. One time, I had a friend get cute and gave me 20 burpees. I immediately cut him out of my life, and last I heard, could barely do a crunch. You know who had the foresight in 1994 to drop and give me 20? Jeff Bezos. Bezos dropped, gave me 20, and then started Amazon. You think he would be where he is today if he only gave me 10?
It doesn’t matter if it’s 4 AM. Be ready to give me 20. Grocery store? Put down that soy milk, and give me 20. Having a nervous breakdown? 20. Birth of your child? You better be popping out 20.
If you’ve made it this far, you’ve already failed. Reading this article is not the same as dropping and giving me 20. So, get on your fucking hands, and GIVE ME 20.
