An SUV full of ESPN analysts just collided with an overturned tanker truck and is now engulfed in flames. The fire department is twenty minutes away, so we’ve taken this opportunity to rank each analyst by how long we plan on waiting before pulling them from the burning wreckage.
Tony Kornheiser & Michael Wilbon
Often imitated, never duplicated, the longtime hosts of Pardon the Interruption are two pioneers in the sports media landscape. Out of respect for this legendary pairing, they would be two of the first analysts we’d pull out of this flaming—ah shit, the two minutes we had to get them out is up.
Stephen A. Smith
When we arrived at the scene, Stephen A. Smith was busy criticizing the fire’s lack of focus, content to lazily smolder around him instead of searing his flesh with vicious efficiency. We meant to pull him out earlier, but he launched into a rant about how he hasn’t seen a Heat performance this preposterously pathetic since last year’s game seven playoff loss to the Celtics, and we were so engrossed we forgot about the fire for 10 minutes.
We wanted to leave Orlovsky in longer, but the NFL Live analyst wouldn’t shut up about the fire’s brilliant game plan. We couldn’t hear ourselves think, so we pulled the verbose analyst out of the fiery inferno and kicked him into a nearby ditch.
We love Boomer – the legendary Sportscenter anchor has always been there to entertain us in our time of need. But considering he’s sitting in the back, back, back, backseat of this SUV, his eternal soul could…go…all…the…way before we’re able to retrieve him from this flaming wreckage.
This Just In: Max Kellerman is not getting out of this SUV if we have anything to say about it. We were worried his ice cold takes might shield him from the raging inferno, so we shoved him in the trunk and snapped the key off in the lock to make sure.
Honorable Mention – Skip Bayless
Skip Bayless wasn’t in the ESPN SUV due to leaving for Fox Sports in 2016, but that didn’t stop us from pulling him out of his personal vehicle and shoving him into the raging inferno.