Congress Allocates Billions For Philadelphia Eagles Fan Defense Spending

In response to adding Eagles fans to the UN earlier this week and truly seeing what they’re capable of, The Senate passed a $74.1 billion spending bill Wednesday that hopes to curtail acts of physical and psychological violence as well as property damage incurred by fans of the Philadelphia Eagles.

“The Eagles’ fan base is a national menace that can no longer be ignored,” Senator John Cornyn, R–Tex., said on the Senate floor Tuesday. “Draft picks, officials, police horses, eleven-year-old girls, storefronts, light poles, and Santa Clauses alike have endured unspeakable indignities at the hands of this hostile and belligerent demographic.”

The legislation provides $41 billion for local law-enforcement initiatives, including lining Broad Street with tanks, restricting jersey sales at the Modell’s in Jefferson Station, and what Cornyn coined “counter-Eagle-intelligence.”

The bill will reallocate funds from other Congressional measures, such as November’s infrastructure bill, free breakfast and lunch programs for children, and the organization formerly known as the F.B.I.

“We’re also closing all National Parks,” Cornyn said with a smile.

The bill, which passed 98–2, proved overwhelmingly bipartisan. “Rarely do you see Mitch McConnell and Bernie Sanders agree on something,” said Cornyn. “But once this cleared, both Senators crossed the aisle and knelt down together in prayer.”

The only two to oppose Cornyn’s bill were Pennsylvania Senators Bob Casey Jr. (D) and Pat Toomey (R).

“We know Eagles fans,” said Toomey. “We are Eagles fans. You think you can pin us down? You think you can contain or threaten us? We’re everywhere.”

Casey, who serves as a postgame commentator for Eagles’ broadcasts, agreed with his fellow lawmaker. “Toomey and I have been quietly passing pro-Eagles legislation for years.” He then pointed a middle finger at a nearby camera and said, “Watch out, John Cornyn, you Cowboys-loving motherfucker. Santa Claus was nothing compared to what you have coming on the Senate floor on Monday.”