Hit-By-Pitch Swiftly Followed By Hit-By-Bat

As we begin playoff baseball we must take note of the fourth inning of an otherwise unremarkable Red Sox-Dodgers game this past Sunday. A wayward fastball hit Dodgers’ shortstop Tommy Edman in the middle of the back. What followed was a heads up play that had not been seen on the diamond in over 50 years: the hit-by-bat.

“He hit me with the ball! I mean, what kind of monster does that? I had done nothing to this guy!” said an outraged Edman. “So it occurred to me: I’m holding a weapon right now. It would be irresponsible of me not to hit him back.”

Immediately after the errant pitch, Red Sox pitcher Lucas Giolito turned away from the plate, shaking his head. Because of this, he did not see Edman charging towards the mound, swinging the bat over his head and screaming like a banshee.

“No one knew what to do,” said Red Sox third baseman Alex Bregman. “I wanted to help, but he had a bat, and I had left my bat in the dugout like an idiot. So I just stood there and pretended I couldn’t hear my teammate’s tortured cries for help.”

As Edman continued to club Giolito long after he had lost consciousness, the Dodgers broadcast noted that this was the first recorded hit-by-bat since 1973, when an up-and-coming rookie named George Brett put Tigers righty Joe Coleman into a medically induced coma.

Though some fans were horrified at the gruesome and bloody display of violence, Dodgers manager Dave Roberts defended his player. “He hit him with the ball! What was he supposed to do?” Roberts said. “Now other pitchers know not to do that.” Edman’s violent outburst seems to have worked, as shortly after, Clayton Kershaw was reportedly so scared of being hit with a bat that announced his retirement, and Shohei Ohtani decided to switch to outfield.