It’s MLB Opening Day! Now Where’s The Goddamn Remote?

The crack of the bat echoes through the park. The barely warm spring sun pokes its head out to bathe the loyal fans in its promising light. Ah yes, the roar of the crowd signals one thing: it’s MLB Opening Day! Now where’s the goddamn remote?

Every year it’s the same routine: people tailgate, jets flyover, a local celebrity sings the National Anthem. Who gives a shit? I did my part by briefly tuning in, but now I just have to find that damn clicker, which is around here somewhere. Could you check under your cushion?

Cool, it’s a pitcher’s duel into the third or whatever, and I’m still overturning furniture to find this goddamn thing to set the DVR to ESPN Classic. I saw one battery on the carpeting, which definitely belongs to my remote. It’s amazing that I can always find the remote when it comes to flipping through my NFL Red Zone and NBA League Pass subscriptions, but somehow it goes missing right during the absolute dumbest sporting event of the year. Figures.

No one gives a shit that it’s tied 2-2 in the bottom of the 6th. If I have to hear this stupid damn crowd cheer for a guy scoring a run, I’ll disconnect the TV and take it back to Best Buy right now. Anything to get this shallow game off my screen and out of my life. It turns out the battery was a AAA battery when my remote takes two AA batteries.

I found it!

But I can’t power off this wretched game because it’s my cable remote, and isn’t synched up to the TV anymore even though the light on the remote is blinking. Goddammit. Just give me CSPAN, QVC–something, anything other than a bunch of assholes standing together and singing a song about going to a baseball game, eating junk food, and cheering for their team–the exact same goddamn thing they’ve been doing all day, and now they’re caroling about it.

Of course this damn thing was under the couch the whole time. At last, I finally get to rid my home of this boring, agonizing, stupid as shit game, but, oh, it’s Game 7 of the World Series, eh? Well, the Lions are on Monday Night Football, so maybe this will be okay?