Physicists Discover Secret To Making Speed Skater’s Bulge Completely Aerodynamic

In a breakthrough that promises to revolutionize the world of speed skating, researchers at MIT’s distinguished Department of Bulge Studies have finally discovered a way to make the unwieldy crotch bulge, long the bane of speed skaters everywhere, one-hundred percent aerodynamic.

“By adding girth variants to the standard number known as “Ohno’s Constant,” we were able to gain a more complete understanding of the complexities of the bulge,” explained bulgeometrist Dr. Kaneez Osmani, who was also a part of the team which had discovered the original Lycra bodysuit bulge friction reduction breakthrough in the 1980s. “We then applied these new statistical models to bulges of all shapes, sizes and curvatures, which has allowed us to form a Grand Unified Theory of Genital Resistance.”

The discovery was the result of a 10-year, $50 billion dollar study, aided by multiple physics departments from the world’s top universities as well as computational help from IBM’s Watson. According to rumors circulating around the MIT campus, the original idea behind the Unified Theory arose entirely by accident, when renowned Nobel Laureate and Professor Emeritus Rainer Weiss “adjusted himself” to hang slightly to the left and excitedly phoned the current head of the department to inform him that his bulge felt “totally frictionless.”

Public response to the breakthrough has been overwhelming, with astrophysicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson announcing plans to develop a nine-part PBS lecture series on bulgosity. Not to be outdone, Wheaties cereal has also bought into the nation’s collective genitomania, promising that the bulge will be featured prominently on all of its boxes preceding the Winter Olympics.

With the male bulge’s coefficient of friction now effectively at zero, the more ambitious among the scientific community are already predicting a similar breakthrough in female bulge science by 2036. Dr. Osmani, however, is remaining skeptical.

“Sure, it’s theoretically possible,” remarked the professor, “But when you have two larger bulges instead of one? I’m afraid the science just isn’t there yet.”