Though I’ll spend hours crunching data, conducting polls, and watching game tape during the NCAA tournament this March, I can guaran-damn-tee you I’m not going to waste any time participating in the democratic process this November. After all, why spin my wheels on two boring teams when I could be researching 68 super-exciting, super-sweaty teams?

Why let my vote be a drop in the bucket when I can have complete and utter control of my bracket? Maybe if the clowns in Washington got Dick Vitale to moderate a debate, or if elections had cheerleaders or marching bands, I’d be all in. Heck, I’d be the first one making reservations at Buffalo
Wild Wings to watch.

And who knows, maybe if those politicians could come up with an economic play to turn my $20 into $2,000 dollars like Gonzaga or Duke can, I’d reconsider. But let’s be honest, those fat cats in D.C. only care about their own money, unlike the NCAA.
The last time I voted was in 2016. It was the same year I correctly predicted Villanova coming from out of nowhere to beat the Tar Heels. I mean, which one of those activities turned out better for me and society?

So no, I’m not looking into senators or comparing their platforms or keeping up-to-date on all their sexual misconduct charges. I’m spending three hours every day analyzing Syracuse’s zone defense.
And most importantly, any person in the U.S. can fill out a bracket. What’s more American than that? It’s unlike the election this November, where I’m not even allowed to vote this time on account of my felonies.
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Writer: Alex
Editor: Laura
Proofreader: Zach

A new study from the Pew Research Center confirmed Monday that despite your confidence in the Metaverse’s capacity to improve real life, you will still be terrible at basketball.

Annie Ortega, developer for the Philadelphia-based software company Cesium, reports having fielded your inquiries about the physical dimensions of Metaverse avatars, the height of its basketball nets, and whether the 3-D immersive indeed has its own “NBA” but with open tryouts.

“You get winded running down court, you don’t seem to know what a foul is, and your last physical competition was a Thanksgiving pickup game in which you pulled your groin. Do you really think we can make a decent player out of you?” Ortega said. “There’s a limit to our creative capabilities.”

When asked for an example of what the Metaverse basketball will be like, Ortega pitched the following scenario: “You enter a park in the Metaverse. At the park is a game of basketball. You decide to play. You still suck.”

Ortega highlighted the fact that while the Metaverse can technically be anything you make it, it still mimics real life, and in real life you were cut from JV as a twelfth grader. “The coach actually booed you off the court during tryouts,” Ortega said. “I mean, is there something we’re missing?”

On a positive note, Ortega confirmed that virtual or augmented reality might make you slightly handsomer, increasing your likelihood to approach — but not yet sleep with — women.

She cautioned, however, that in the Metaverse you’re still a shitty guitar player because you refuse to practice, and no, your penis will not grow in proportion to the size of its avatar.

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Writer: Jeff

Editor: Zach

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Emerging evidence suggests that symptoms of the illness commonly known as ‘March Madness’ (martius insanus) may have been present in the U.S. as early as November 2021, according to NCAA psychiatrists.
While experts debate whether the first case originated with mascots before making the jump to humans (known as spikonic transmission due to the virus resembling the Gonzaga bulldog “Spike”) or leaked from a Duke University research lab, it’s widely accepted the disease likely arose in November 2021 and that uncovering its source is essential toward preventing future outbreaks.
“This is a serious epidemic,” says NCAA’s chief psychiatrist Advika Khatri. “One hesitates to call it a pandemic, but, if things continue to spread at their current rate, especially with Davidson getting hot right now, we are prepared to consider it a global threat.”

Symptoms include

– Changing of skin color to orange, green, blue, or blue with white stripes
– Discordant cosplay
– Elongated index fingers
– Raising of the arms synchronously in crowds of people
– Confused elation
– Depression
– Gambling away your life savings

Khatri noted that the elimination of one’s favorite team often has little effect on domestic cases, as those afflicted with the illness move on quickly to new and loud talk of how their bracket was going so well “up until this past week.”
“If you encounter any individuals displaying these symptoms, evidence shows that ear plugs and noise-canceling headphones may decrease your odds of getting infected,” Khatri advised.
Despite the NCAA’s warnings, many conferences, such as the SEC, the Big South, and the Southern Conference, refuse to see March Madness as a threat and tend to downplay or even refute its existence.
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