Tag Archive for: Football

Study: Gender Disparity In Sports Journalism Linked Back To Most Women Not Want To Waste Their Lives

The “Harvard Business Review” released a study Thursday attributing the current gender disparity in sports journalism to women not wanting to completely waste their lives on trivial and inconsequential nonsense.
The study surveyed 48 undergraduate journalism majors at 9 institutions in Greater Boston and asked subjects to rate five sub-disciplines, including “Sports Journalism” — which many of the female participants gave a 0 on a scale of 1 to 10 or write-in, “You’re joking, right?” and, “That’s the
saddest thing I’ve ever heard.”
“We study journalism to find out the truth about things that matter,” said Rebecca Singh, a sophomore at Tufts. “I refuse to believe people waste years of their life and accrue crippling debt to study slam dunks — or whatever they talk about.”

“My mom’s a sports journalist,” said Amber Dye, a photojournalism major at Boston University, “but just to get me through college. It’s so depressing. She’s lost all sense of dignity. I overhear her muttering things like, ‘Where did I go wrong?’ and ‘Should I just…end it?’”
Male subjects, on the other hand, demonstrated across-the-board approval of the sports subdivision, calling it “honorable,” “the lifeblood of this great nation,” and, in one case, “God.” In a coed breakout session, when groups were asked to debate the day’s most pressing news stories, every
group had the young men dominating the conversation with breakdowns of the previous night’s Lakers-Spurs game. Once, when a female participant tried to bring up Ukraine, a male subject interrupted with, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. We’re talking about LeBron here.”

During the lunch break, researchers observed a female subject as she tried to engage a male subject about the current state of the Taliban while the male’s eyes crept over to a TV playing a repeat of that day’s “SportsCenter.”

Tom Brady Can Come Back From Retirement, So Can My Lazy 82-Year-Old Father

Tom Brady — Excellence. Dedication. Sacrifice. My 82-year old dad? Lazy. Bottom-percentile measurables. Retired since 2007. Tom Brady was only retired for a month, so I think the fifteen years my dad has spent lazing about, watching the hummingbirds and mourning my stepmom or whatever the hell he does all day is long enough.

 

It’s time my dad got off his ass and started pulling his weight around here, and there’s only one method that can help: TB12. The problem is he lacks Brady’s commitment to excellence. When I caught him eating a piece of toast yesterday, he blubbered, “The acai smoothies hurt my ulcers.”

 

What part of “you need to reduce your K/NA ratio and raise intracellular magnesium with an alkaline diet” isn’t clear? TB12 isn’t just a training regimen; it’s a holistic lifestyle, and I’m going to put my whole foot up his ass if he doesn’t shut up and eat his dandelion greens.

 

And his dedication to pliability? Pathetic. It’s the key to Brady’s longevity, but this crybaby keeps complaining about his hip replacement. Brady never needed a hip replacement, and he ate 543 career sacks like it was avocado ice cream.

 

Am I being hard on my dad? Sure, but no one’s harder than Tom Brady is on himself, and look what he’s accomplished? I just wanna see my dad get to the pinnacle of his field once again: another gold watch from Sears for being “an accountant.”

Star Struck: I Just Met Ray Lewis At Knifepoint And Didn’t Know What To Say

It was Friday night in Miami and I rear-ended the Aston Martin in front of me. When I approached the other car to trade insurance information, out stepped former legendary Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis in the flesh.

 

Before I knew it, I was pressed against the side of his car with a rusty, 9 inch blade on my cheek. “Holy shit”, I yelled in shock. “Aren’t you 2000 Super Bowl MVP Ray Lewis??!” But there was no doubt it was him, Ray Lewis, now cutting my cheek with the serrated knife. While in awe and humbled, I asked him “How’d it feel to lead the 1997 NFL season in tackles and play your first Pro Bowl…!?” While his lips said words as he aggressively threw me in his trunk, this Ray Lewis superfan felt like the belle of the ball.

 

As he drove me to an undisclosed location, I asked him “How exciting was it to defend against Peyton Manning’s offense!?” I got goosebumps every time the 2X SuperBowl champion described how he was going to stab me and feed them to his pet birds. I’ve got about 50 college friends who would die to trade places with me.

 

When I eventually woke up in a warehouse two days later with my arms and legs on the table across the room, I finally worked up the courage and shouted to the 12X ProBowler for his autograph.

Adam Schefter Issues Preemptive Apology For Whatever He’s About To Say About Next Athlete’s Death

Following public outcry over his tweet about the death of Pittsburgh Steelers QB Dwyane Haskins, ESPN’s Adam Schefter issued a long-awaited formal preemptive apology for whatever he’s about to say regarding the next major athlete death.

 

“Composing a single tweet about an athlete’s death would be insensitive. In the future, I’ll choose my words more carefully to clearly communicate what all dead athletes are: untradeable assets,” Schefter said on his podcast. “If you’re dead in a car crash, you’re not catching a game-winning touchdown, so what exactly are you doing to help your team?”

Underscoring the point to prove he’s learned his lesson, Schefter gave an example that if a player with suspected CTE suddenly died, like Antonio Brown, he wouldn’t tastelessly spotlight Brown’s professional struggles.

 

“Everyone would know he struggled with hand-eye coordination in the backfield. It’s not insider information. Maybe he should have practiced more so he’d be able to avoid the oncoming freighter in time,” Schefter said. “I’m just saying that I would include condolences to everyone close to him, including his surviving family, who would only have a few years of NFL salary support to keep them afloat, but let’s face it: It would have been more if his brain had the strength to keep going.”

“People always ask me, ‘What about the family?’ but they’ll die someday too. That’s something I would tweet,” Schefter added, noting he has a proven history of such restraint, including the time he didn’t leak the news about the results of Von Miller’s STD screening.

Schefter concluded the segment noting that while his death tweets are exclusively related to football, he did have a basketball take worth sharing.

“If I can step outside of the NFL for a second, I want to say that Kobe? RIP but dude was overrated.”

Proactive Lions First-Round Pick Starts Studying To Get Real Estate License

Miles Campbell grew up dreaming of playing in the NFL.

 

Now, after the Detroit Lions selected him with their first-round pick, the college stalwart continues to look ahead to his future by studying to obtain his real estate license.

 

“I feel like I can read the market better than most, but I know at the end of the day, I have to put in the work if I want to be in the conversation for RE/MAX’s rookie salesperson of the year,” Campbell said, adding that he plans to use his signing bonus to pay for all the administrative fees in securing his Michigan real estate license. “It was a dream come true getting the opportunity to play in the NFL. I’m excited to get started on the next chapter.”

 

“There are no guarantees in this league, and I like the stability the housing market offers in comparison,” Campbell said. “Yeah–I know the entire housing market crashed in 2008, but Real Estate has only crashed once. As a Lion, it’s not if the NFC North bottom-feeder crashes, it’s when and how many times in one season.”

 

Matt Stafford as asked to comment, “Regardless of the athlete’s skill, the Lions will fuck up his career. I had to beg for a trade, and upon leaving Detroit I instantly won a Super Bowl. Coincidence? I think not. In fact, should I have been there one year longer I would have launched his new Stafford Real Estate!”

Jacksonville Jaguars GM Mulls Over Which Prospect To Ruin With No. 1 Pick

Sources close to Jacksonville Jaguars general manager Trent Baalke have reported that the team seems tantalizingly close to finalizing which college football player’s life they will decide to irrevocably destroy in the 2023 NFL draft.

 

“As soon as the 2022 NFL draft ended the front office went to work browsing the reports for that star player who could fit just right within our coaching scheme of finding — and then failing to capitalize on — once-in-a-generation talent,” said an anonymous Jaguars staff member, who mentioned several Heisman trophy front-runners were already meeting in secret with the team’s deconditioning coaches.

 

The scouts themselves are reportedly being given considerable importance in the decision, with Baalke paying special attention to any notes describing the scouts’ innate, inexplicable wish for the players they were watching to implode in their national television debuts, as well as counting the number of times the words, “Next Johnny Manziel?” were written in the margins.

 

“Sure, there’s always worry you’ll get a bust — some unassuming kid with a tragic backstory who ends up turning the franchise around — but given the amount of meticulous research we’ve done, we’re confident we’ll be selecting and ultimately completely sabotaging the right fit,” the source said. “Not to brag, but if we can fuck up Trevor Lawrence, we can fuck up anybody.”

 

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Joke:

Writer: John

Editor: Zach

Proofreader:

Finally: The NFL Released a Statement Denying Pat Tillman Died of CTE

Nearly 20 years after Pat Tillman’s death, the NFL has finally clarified the former Arizona Cardinals safety did not die of CTE while on patrol in Afghanistan.

 

Commissioner Roger Goodell made the announcement yesterday, touting the results of a thorough, multi-year investigation. “Despite rampant conjecture surrounding the subject of CTE and the deaths of NFL players, we are here to confirm once and for all that Pat Tillman’s death was not football-related,” he told reporters. “So, let’s pop some corks, everyone. This is a big day for all of football-kind.”

 

To corroborate the league’s findings, Goodell pointed out that a third-party New York Times article from 2004 also reached the same conclusion. “Not once does this article suggest playing in the NFL led to Tillman’s premature passing,” Goodell said while opening a bottle of Cristal. “So, that means nobody can call our investigation a sham!”

 

According to Goodell, the findings contradicted what he called the “recent trend” of blaming the NFL for the tragic, early deaths of its players. “Pat Tillman is proof that CTE is not the bogeyman it’s portrayed to be. More than anything, Pat’s death has proven that what we should really be afraid of is bullets.”

 

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Joke: Zach

Article: Laura

Editor: Constantine

Proofreader: Zach

Play your cards right kid, and this could all be yours someday.

-Joe Flacco

showing Zack Wilson his model train collection

Wow! NFL Star Only 3 Yards Away From Breaking Another Restraining Order

Having already smashed the NFL’s record for Class A misdemeanors, wide receiver Cooper Chase stands only three yards away from breaking an incredible eleventh restraining order in a single season.

 

The announcement was made by local police captain Rob Loeber, whose officers tackled the star a mere nine feet short of his ex-mother-in-law’s driveway.

 

“He almost had it, but I had men in zone coverage that predicted his route and took him down,” Capt. Loeber said while a guest on “Inside the NFL,” before adding that Chase pumped his legs and fought hard for those extra yards. “Had it not been for his bum ankle, he probably would’ve made it,” Loeber said of the athlete’s electric monitor.

 

Chase, who came out of retirement this last year to terrify his former fiancée, is determined to persevere — and even argued he was horse-collared as illegal before a review of police body cam and helicopter sky cam replays confirmed the hit was “by the books.”

 

“Either way the man is incredible,” Capt. Loeber said. “We stopped him this time but he will be back. The man’s a first-ballot Hall of Famer of witness intimidation. I have no doubt he’ll get what — and who — he’s after.”

 

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Joke:

Article: Laura

Editor: Constantine

Proofreader:

Who thinks I can suck my own dick?

-Robert Kraft

wearing a wire during a Baltimore sting operation

Nick Saban Successfully Flips Recruit After Hours of Waterboarding

Hear Us Out The UN, But With Eagles Fans

John Elway’s Dentist Retires At Age 31

After graduating from dental school and putting in five years of constant, round-the-clock work on her only patient, Dr. Maria Otsuka, John Elway’s personal dentist, has announced she will be stepping away from her practice at age 31 and entering early retirement.

 

“This has been the most harrowing half-decade of my life, but they have also been the most fulfilling,” said Dr. Otsuka, speaking to reporters from the fourth floor of her $17.3 million Beverly Hills mansion. “While it feels odd to be stepping away, I can rest easy knowing that if I saved either Mr. Elway or the gnawed, wooden staircase banister of his home even one moment of further distress, I will have done something worthwhile with my life.”

 

Dr. Otsuka did make clear it was still vitally important Elway find another dentist as soon as possible.

 

“While I will no longer be able to help Mr. Elway, it’s crucial he finds someone to continue his dental care,” said the doctor, who mentioned that her last 14 cavity fills alone had propelled her from seventh to third on Forbes’ World’s Billionaires list. “Mr. Elway’s routine 36-hour weekly cleaning, including checking the wolf teeth to ensure proper bite placement, absolutely cannot be skipped. Nor can his monthly shearing, which is the only thing preventing his incisors from growing straight through the underside of his jaw and into his jugular vein.”

 

When asked if she had advice for any future dentists tasked with Elway’s care, Dr. Otsuka did caution she had learned the hard way to always use blinders on Elway before anesthetizing him, so as to prevent the aging Broncos executive from becoming spooked and kicking her in the chest.

 

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Joke:

Author: John

Editor: Constantine

Proofreader: Zach

Quiz: Which Disappointing NFL Franchise Best Describes Your Sex Life?

Going into the NFL Draft is your sex life more “fourth-and-long” than “Red Zone”? This quiz might not snap your championship draught, but it will shed some light on which NFL team you are in the bedroom. Be sure to post your results in the comments.

 

  1. As a sex partner, I am:
  2. Loaded. I have talent, depth, and size. I’ve been called the “most complete” bachelor.
  3. Ready to ride. Giddy-up!
  4. Not great at offense. I punt a lot.
  5. Not bad! Hoping for some voyeurs.

 

  1. Foreplay is:
  2. Dressing up in uniform and watching game film.
  3. Ogling cheerleaders.
  4. Two years away from being two years away.
  5. Trying to get someone to notice me.

 

  1. Your safe-word is:
  2. “OBJ.”
  3. “1989.”
  4. “One Pride.” (Guys: What’s a “safe-word”?)
  5. Anything — I’ll take anything.

 

  1. My biggest sexual achievement was:
  2. Getting blue balls in 1986.
  3. The 90s — one big orgasm.
  4. Virginity.
  5. An over-the-pants “almost”-job in 1995.

 

  1. My sexual kink is:
  2. The Cleveland Steamer
  3. Reverse Cowboy
  4. Motor Head
  5. Electrostimulation (aka “Nipple Clamps”)

 

MOSTLY A’s – Your Sex Life Is the Cleveland Browns.

You have the roster, you have the talent, you just never seem to pull it all together for a big score.

 

MOSTLY B’s – Your Sex Life Is the Dallas Cowboys.

You and your date leave the restaurant early, and everyone assumes you’re off to a sex party in Southlake. But somehow midnight has you asleep on the couch.

 

MOSTLY C’s – Your Sex Life Is the Detroit Lions.

Fuuuuuck. Rough one, dude.

 

MOSTLY D’s – Your Sex Life Is the San Diego Chargers.

You’re new in town, and that’s great. But it’s a big town, and you’re new, and nobody really wants you here.

 

 

 

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Joke:

Writer: Jeff

Editor: Laura

Proofreader:

Report: Antonio Brown Beginning To Show Signs Of Early-Onset Being Antonio Brown

According to a report from ESPN NFL insider Adam Schefter, those closest to free agent wide receiver Antonio Brown have privately expressed concern that Brown is displaying signs he may be suffering from early-onset being Antonio Brown.

 

“If left untreated, it could develop into late-onset being Antonio Brown, the effects of which remain unknown but are presumably catastrophic,” a league source told Schefter. “Many NFL players fear that one day they’ll be diagnosed with being Antonio Brown and find themselves attacking chefs or livestreaming private conversations on Facebook.”

 

“There are no known cures, especially after breakthrough research revealed that scoring touchdowns merely masks symptoms,” the source added.

 

With little assistance from the NFL, which allegedly suppressed three decades of Antonio Brown research, Antonio Brown’s condition may be too advanced for treatment, as initial evidence suggests being Antonio Brown has plagued Antonio Brown since the day he was born.

 

Behind the scenes, the NFLPA has requested the implementation of Antonio Brown protocol, deploying spotters throughout the stadium to remove players from the game the moment before they throw off their equipment and walk across the endzone while pumping up the opposing team’s crowd.

 

An anonymous member of the Buccaneers medical staff, however, noted that it’s likely Brown is not suffering from being Antonio Brown, but rather, is certifiably insane.

 

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Joke:

Author: Zach

Editor: Constantine

Proofreader:

Uptight Referee A Real Stickler For The Rules

After a long drawn out, albeit in depth, explanation of a little known rule; referee Todd Perkins confirmed the ruling on the field would stand and also confirmed what we knew all along, he’s a stickler for the rules.

The call in question, a ‘palpably unfair act,’ has never been called in the NFL before and for good reason, but it speaks volumes to Perkins either abusing or flat out not understanding the great responsibility that comes with the enormous power of being an NFL referee. 

If you’re asking yourself, ‘What’s up with this guy?’  We dug deeper to understand the mind of someone so deranged to call a palpably unfair act. Turns out he moonlights as a freshman dorm RA, flagging undergrads for making noise during quiet hours and is described by his friends as ‘not my friend.’ 

Regardless, we need to get together and let our voices be heard, we can not allow this strict dedication to the rules to continue to ruin the game we love. Join us in reaching out to your local NFL representative and demand Perkins be relieved from his position immediately. 

UPDATE: We retract most of what was said in this article after Perkins stuck to his ironclad code of following the rules leading to a call that gave the other team, of which we’re die hard fans of, the victory. We love you Perk!! 

NFL Informs Philadelphia That Games Can Be Enjoyed Without Homicide

The NFL held a press conference in Philadelphia today to persuade the city’s fans that homicide is not necessary to enjoy sporting events. ⠀

The city’s notorious fan base, responsible for several murders per professional game last year alone, at first reacted with confusion to the announcement. “That’s like asking us not to cheer, drink beer, or assault Santa Claus,” said long-time Eagles fan Pat Busillo while punching a police horse in the face. “If no one is murdered, did the game even get played? How do we know who wins?”⠀

Many Philadelphians echoed Busillo’s concerns. “That’s just how we’ve always done it here. It’s our city’s most hallowed tradition,” said Jim Kenney, Philadelphia mayor and lifelong Phillies fan. “We all remember seeing our first double-header and double-homicide at the old Veterans Stadium.”⠀

The NFL admitted that modernizing Philadelphia sports culture will be a gradual process and suggested fans commit non-violent felonies and misdemeanors as a stepping-stone toward eventually phasing out murder entirely.⠀

“The last thing we at the NFL want to be associated with violence,” NFL spokesman Brian McCarthy said when asked about their request for change. “If anyone’s going to die, it should be the football players we pay exorbitant amounts of money to endanger themselves.” ⠀

Kirk Cousins Refusing To Give Up On Best Buy

Despite shopping fans’ showing an overwhelming preference for the new era of mobile retailers, Minnesota QB Kirk Cousins is refusing to give up on Best Buy, a local downward-trending big box store with which he personally identifies.

The once- going as far as to admonish all consumers for callously discarding something traditional just because a sexier, more price-effective option became conveniently available.

“How can you people so callously discard a place that’s given you so many mediocre memories? Does steady blandness really no longer have a place in Minneapolis?” penned a passionate Cousins on his self-funded website ‘savebestbuyandkirkcousins.com.’

“Just because Amazon and Lamar Jackson routinely do things that Big Blue and I are physically incapable of, doesn’t mean we now have to fire the entire Geek Squad / trade me to Jacksonville for a couple of stickers and the bottom half of a Microsoft Surface (by the way, both of those things are currently available at Best Buy for $399.99 each).”

Cousins, who still spends every Saturday morning walking through the CD- and appliance-strewn aisles of his beloved Best Buy Richfield, maintains that the retailer and the quarterback’s best days still lie ahead.

“I firmly believe that with a little mopping, some new employees, a new store manager, better customer service, improved product pricing, a guaranteed plan to build 500 more Magnolia Home Theater design centers in 2021, a new offensive line, and a coach who isn’t on the verge of death, that Best Buy and I will both break out of our funks and finally pull off that all-elusive Thanksgiving Weekend W.”  

As a thank you to Cousins for his loud endorsement of Best Buy, company CEO Corie Barry is rewarding the Vikings captain with the retailer’s highest honor: $27 worth of unused gift cards + three uninterrupted turns on his favorite location’s beat-up Wii U Demo Station.

NFL COVID Test Returns Positive For CTE

According to sources close to the Pittsburgh Steelers, the entire NFL has breathed an immense sigh of relief this week after an undisclosed Steelers player’s initial positive COVID-19 test turned out to have merely indicated positive for chronic traumatic encephalopathy instead.

“When I first heard the results, I thought we’d need to cancel our game for sure,” Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin said while addressing reporters on the floor of the UPMC training center, where his entire virus-free roster was busy practicing tackling drills. “But then it turned out that it was just CTE, so we went ahead and suited the guy up. He should be active for the rest of the season or at least until the suicidal depression or confusion sets in, and he stops showing up for practice.”

“Of course, even if he did show up after, at least that wouldn’t be contagious,” Tomlin added.

Many are hailing the COVID-19 test’s CTE result as proof that the NFL’s precaution measures are working. The league itself has undergone dramatic change in preparing to combat the spread of coronavirus, making sure to speak loudly and slowly to players during multiple preventative health seminars and switching the players’ helmets from porous and germ-retaining hard plastic to a safer but breathable five-layer cotton head covering.

“I’m glad that the league has come through for us because I can’t imagine how I could live with myself if I were the reason a player got permanent lung scarring or lifelong heart issues or, God forbid, ended up on a ventilator,” said Tomlin. “Thanks to the NFL’s many precautionary measures, though, it’s safe to say that my players are going to come out of this pandemic with four out of five of their main vital organs completely damage-free.”

According to the NFL Operations website, although players have been provided with the fastest and most accurate COVID-19 PCR testing available, the tests still do only have an accuracy rate of 85 percent, so the league is urging players to be vigilant for additional symptoms such as coughing, loss of taste, or inability to do basic math equations or remember the names of immediate family members.

Division III Team Really Playing Like A Division II Team Today

Spectators of the Division III football team Mount Union Purple Raiders were reportedly very impressed by Saturday’s game, saying that they could have sworn that they were watching a D-II program. “I couldn’t believe it. They were playing like a real D-II team. And by that I mean somewhat better,” said a Purple Raiders fan, noting that the team showed up in full equipment and everything. 

With a pass completion up from 43% all the way to 46%, practice held every day of the week, and now a team playbook, scouts are beginning to take notice. “Wow, there’s no denying. These guys were good today. I’m talking D-II good. I mean, they’d probably only lose to Alabama by 85 or 100 or so,” said a scout, saying that if the team was taller, faster and naturally harder working they’d really be something. 

“Today will go down as an all time D-III game. It was like witnessing an average D-II or even a career-ruining level bad D-1 game,” said the scout, noting that the QB played like a top 1,500 collegiate quarterback. With an audience of over 240, fans are calling the Mount Union Purple Raiders performance a “statement” game, clarifying that that statement is that “pretty good at football. Not great.”

“Hell, what we witnessed today, these guys remind me of the 2006 Grand Valley State Lakers, or dare I say the 2019 Ouachita Baptist Tigers,” said the scout, who thinks that the D-3 Purple Raiders are even good enough to absolutely be eviscerated on AM sports radio. Undermining their newfound momentum, the star TE exited the team after signing a league minimum contract with Bill Belichick.

Father Teaches Son To Throw Perfect Spiral, Be Dishonest With Women

Local father and ex-husband Jerry Smeeksmen has reportedly begun taking his son outside to play catch and teach him yet another father-son life lesson: how to throw an absolutely perfect spiral and be completely dishonest with women.

“Throwing an impeccable spiral,” Smeeksmen mentioned to his son while putting one foot up on a nearby stump, “is all about the grip. Similar to the grip you apply to a cocktail waitress you’ll never call again.”

Town officials have spotted Smeeksmen at the local little league field after hours with a chalkboard and pointer, offering these lessons: A post pattern is like a one night stand–do it only when losing, and never think about it again; always go through your receiver progressions, like women, find who’s open and get it to’em, but be sure not to be tied down to one receiver–you must keep the defense off balance; and in throwing a good spiral, you need to lead the receiver, similar to how you want to lead on a woman.

“Great relationships are like great careers,” Smeeksmen reportedly expressed to his son prior to offering him “some of” his flask, “they end. Dynasties end. So, like a good running back in the flat, have a last option safety net woman waiting for you to go her way. Always.”

Smeeksmen has informed reporters that next week will be the final lesson: If they get mad at you, just tell them you love them. And, also, to never be afraid to call an audible, even if you’re at a wedding and are the groom. Grab the maid-of-honor and run.

NFL Taking All Necessary Precautions To Continue Making Money

With concerns over the impact COVID-19 is having on sports, the NFL is doing everything in their power to ensure the health and safety of continuing to make money. 

Public health experts have long warned about the danger and difficulty for a football league to sustain itself considering the ongoing threat of the virus impacting the NFL’s most cherished asset: money. In response, the NFL has implemented a robust strategy from the best financial analysts in the world that protects each and every last potential dollar that could enter the league.

The league appointed Goldman Sachs Chief Financial Strategy Advisor Paul Dobbs to establish a series of measures for the league to manage this crisis. 

“No owner wants their money to succumb to the virus, so we’ve laid out a detailed plan to provide all of the league’s earnings with sufficient PPE, unlimited access to testing, and residency in the owners’ newly built bubble, which we are sure will keep them free from it,” said Dobbs.

The biggest concern for the league came during Week 3 of the season as a bevy of positive test results threatened to derail the league’s profits. But the NFL still managed to look out for its money-making pursuits with an incredible plan in place to reschedule the games to five minutes later than their original start times, pushing them from 1:05 p.m. to 1:10 p.m. so they did not jeopardize the well-being of their billions of dollars worth in TV deals that have an immune system that no virus could break.

The situation is a fluid one, but the NFL is taking it in stride. When asked how what the risk to the players the virus posed, the league responded by saying they expect revenue to increase by 3-5%.

It’s Time To Defund The Dallas Cowboys

After decades of misallocated funds, countless losses, and missed playoffs, fans around the country are clamoring to defund the Dallas Cowboys. Caught going 8-8 in 2019 on live video was but the most recent account of fan abuse and the final straw in completely fracturing the team’s relationship with the community it plays for. Fan trust in Cowboys management and faith in the team’s ability to win is at an all-time low.

Some extreme left-wing Dallas fans are calling to abolish America’s Team claiming “All Cowboys Are Bastards” or ACAB for short. More sensible fans, citing good players like Troy Aikman and Michael Irvin as examples, argue for defunding. It is clear the Cowboys’ failure is not just a few “bad apples” but a systemic problem deeply ingrained in a history and culture of losing.

Defunding will correct that from the practice squad all the way up to Jerry Jones (whom many are calling to resign). It will not take players off the field nor reduce the number of games. It will reallocate funds from bloated financial chokeholds like salary tags and giant televisions and move them to player development and training camp programs like weight rooms, scouting reports, and competent coaching.

All teams have problems, but the Cowboys have the worst. Former players recall management instilling an “us vs. them” mentality. Others say they were “coached to lose” and were “just following playcalls.” And while former losers like Tony Romo land cushy broadcasting gigs, innocent fans continue to suffer.

The time to act is now. Defund. Create a fan review board to hold players accountable. And if the front office refuses to listen, maybe it’s time Dallas follows San Diego’s lead and abolishes their football team entirely.

NFL Raises $40 Million For Charity Awareness

Continuing its long history of explicit corporate philanthropy, the NFL announced that it has raised over $40 million for a cause it holds near and dear to its heart: Charity Awareness.

“Thanks to the success of this year’s Fans Give Back Pancake Breakfast, millions of people will finally be made aware of the existence of charities – charities that so desperately need your financial help,” said NFL Commissioner and bleeding-heart-in-chief, Roger Goodell. “The money raised here today will be put directly towards important causes like updating all stadiums and player uniforms to lime green – the official color of charities everywhere.”

When asked if Charity Awareness, like Breast Cancer Awareness before it, would also receive a dedicated marketing month of its own, Goodell flashed his trademark sly smile before responding.

“While the original plan was to give Charity Awareness the month of June, we’ve decided instead to go all-in on October – officially making it the NFL’s Month of Awareness,” said a delighted Goodell, “For 31 days, our league will dedicate itself to making our fans completely aware of all sorts of important causes, ranging from Kidney Failure Awareness all the way to 25% Off Year-Old Jerseys Awareness.”

In addition, the NFL has also pledged to host it’s first-ever Owners Pasta Dinner, where the league is hopeful it’ll be able to raise a whopping $5,000 towards helping families who have been affected by the construction of new pro football stadiums.

Mitch Trubisky Worried Good Performance Will Give Fans Wrong Idea

Chicago Bears QB Mitch Trubisky is worried that his unusually strong performance may have given fans the wrong idea about what he’s capable of doing on a week-to-week basis.

“Fans need to understand that just because I had one good game, it doesn’t automatically mean that I’m suddenly a reliable NFL quarterback,” said Trubisky, addressing a room full of reporters, “I’m still the same old Mitch everyone knows and resents – the frowny-faced ‘leader’ people can count on to throw a game-losing interception, and nothing else.”

Trubisky, whose Twitter and Instagram have been flooded with messages of support since his heroics, posted a video late Sunday begging fans to stay reasonable and to stop trusting him immediately.

“Guys, I didn’t throw a single touchdown in SEVEN games last season, but now you’re all signing a change.org petition to rename the Lombardi Trophy the Mitch Stick? It’s preposterous and it doesn’t even sound good,” continued Mitch. “Please stop believing in me, otherwise I’m going to somehow end up in the Hall of Fame one day, and I really, really don’t want to give a speech in front of my peers and loved ones.”

In an effort to change his own media narrative, Trubisky says he plans to make next week’s Bears game the worst of his life – promising to play so poorly that fans will be begging to have Rex Grossman back.

NFC South Secedes From NFL

Refusing to comply with the league’s latest updated roster requirements, the NFC South seceded from the NFL today, announcing plans to form a more perfect alliance of its own called the Sectionalist Football League (SFL).

“For too long, we NFC Southerners have suffered under the oppressive thumb of the NFL – what with it’s free-market crushing salary cap and hatred of Individual Teams’ Rights,” said Carolina Panthers coach and expected first-Commissioner of the SFL, Matt ‘J.D.’ Rhule. “Well, that ends today. As of 12:00AM Fort Sumter time, the SFL and its Founding Owners are formally taking our ball – which is square – and going home.”

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, whose new contract effectively kicked-off the secession, says that although he has no plans to recognize the SFL as legitimate, he has begun advising Teams to stockpile equipment and cut off all player trades to the NFC South in anticipation of the legal war that lays ahead.

“A headquarters divided against itself cannot stand,” said Goodell, “In light of this, I’m issuing ‘Proclamation 2020,’ which hereby declares that all players held under contract within rebellious teams are, and henceforward shall be, free. That means you, too, 6-Ring Field Marshall Brady. Remember: you were once a Patriot.”

With tensions continuing to escalate by the day, sports historians are already warning fans that should both leagues fail to reach a compromise by mid-April, the football nation will likely be forced into a long, bloody Civil Bowl.

Jets Call Dibs On Patrick Mahomes’ Unborn Child

Speaking before a gathering of reporters carefully arranged into a pentagram, New York Jets General Manager and perennial Faustian bargainer Joe Douglas made the striking proclamation on Tuesday that he and his scouting staff were well underway towards securing a contract for the as-yet unborn child of Patrick Mahomes II and his fiancée, Brittany Matthews.

“I hereby proclaim broodright to the soul of The Unborn One,” bellowed Douglas, carefully setting fire to a lock of Cam Newton’s hair and placing it into the pages of the Jets’ playbook before turning his attention to the cameras. “As has been foretold by all-knowing seer Mel Kiper, Jr., a child shall be born to the progeny of an MLB player who is himself an NFL quarterback, and that child shall become the greatest offensive lineman the world has yet beheld.”

The ploy for prenatal ownership has been applauded by top ESPN soothsayers, who agreed that choosing a superstar prospect two decades before eligibility craftily bypasses the unbreakable twenty-year hex of failure which Roger Goodell placed on the team midway through the 2019 season after quarterback Sam Darnold incurred the commissioner’s wrath by foolishly implying that he possessed powers to see the phantom spirits of the Beyond.

“The Jets are an organization that knows they’re in trouble, and so Douglas isn’t beyond sacrificing short-term wins, as well as several of his own household pets, for the health of the franchise,” said famed football clairvoyant Tony Romo. “With strong leadership like this, who knows what’s next? Maybe they’ll even figure out a way to finally un-curse Adam Gase’s eyes.”

With the unborn Mahomes secured, Douglas and his staff are turning their attention to recently-married defensive end J.J. Watt, offering him a prospective 30-year, multiple-child contract, as well as a single-year deal to astral-project himself into their backfield for all remaining regular season games.

Dallas Cowboys Scramble To Fill Roster After Team Dies In Saloon Shootout

The big boss men up Dallas way have found theirselves in a predicament t’fill a roster after all their Cowboys done perished in a saloon shootout come last Saturday.

Folk intimate wit’ the crime say the Cowboys was partakin’ in the diversions n’ libations of a local saloon when a brawl broke out ‘twixt the Cowboys n’ some no-good Steelers passin’ through town.

‘Parently, the men dressed in black—led by th’infamous JuJu “Six-Shooter” Smith-Schuster—darkened the doorway of the establishment n’ scared the patrons n’ buxom gals tendin’ bar down ‘neathe high-top tables, fer fear a Schuster’s reputation.

After some whiskies n’ gamblin’, the Cowboys done accused Six-Shooter a cheatin’ at the ‘Jacks Hi’ game. The clans decided t’ settle the disagreement wit’ a shootout at high noon. That’s when the gun slingin’ began.

Though the Cowboys pulled’n early lead on Six-Shooter’s gang, t’weren’t long ‘fore the Cowboys fell back inta their ol’ habit of chokin’. After slaughterin’ the entire Cowboy crew, the Steelers evaded the law wit’ the help a’some Broncos waitin’ outside. 

Jerry Jones, who bought up the Cowboys after strikin’ rich wit’ oil, don’t think too positively ‘bout his chances of gettin’ ‘nough able-bodied men out the camps by Sunday.  Mike McCarthy, head coach, said he has the ‘xact same ‘pinion as Jerry Jones—as always.

Man At Football Game Secretly Listening To Wedding

Despite being dragged to yet another Buffalo Bills game by his wife, Jake Parker, avid nuptials fan and native Buffaloian, was prepared to secretly be listening to his cousin’s wedding. Although his eyes were on the game, with an earpiece, his heart was able to be with his cousin on the gridiron of Holy Matrimony. 

A hard fist pump was reported to have come from Parker shortly after a particularly stirring passage from Corinthians 13:4-5, despite the Bills blowing a coverage and giving up an easy touchdown. “It’s shaping up to be a good one,” Parker expressed to his wife and surrounding bystanders. 

Onlookers reported that his wife instituted a series of elbows to Parker’s midsection, exclaiming, but trying not to make a scene, “I cannot believe you’re not paying attention. You’re embarrassing me.” She went on to whisper-scream sternly, “this is beautiful [referring to a zone blitz scheme that stifled a screen-play], pay attention, my whole family is here!” 

“Eternal love is more important than this 4th down, ok? OKAY?!” Parker reportedly replied to his wife, prior to muttering to himself that the groom needed to convert the first dance against a challenging tuxedo defense. “This is the only time in my life that my cousin has a chance at a winner. It’s now or never and I need him to go all the way.” 

After the Bills’ loss by 24 and despite their best efforts Parker was reported to have left the stadium with a rye smile. Insider reports have concluded that after the Best Man speech, his fantasy wedding team had scored enough points to declare this week’s victory.

Five Facts About Tom Brady You Can Casually Mention To Your Husband To Remind Him What A Sack Of Shit He Is

If you’re anything like us you’re constantly searching for ways to help your man improve himself, but there is so much misinformation out there. Fear not, we waded through the cesspool to bring you the top five facts about Tom Brady to remind your man he is a sack of shit.  

“Did you know Tom Brady’s wife is the breadwinner? I wonder if he gets super insecure and blackouts on vodka every time that’s brought up?” 

We try to have it all: family, friends, and a great career. But when we financially surpass our men some spitefulness and insecurity can develop. Just point out TB being comfortable as a man who earns less than his wife and convince your man that with that approach he too could win seven Super Bowls. 

“You know Tom Brady wears a size 34 waist, and he’s 6’5? You’re like a 42, right, and you’re well below 6’.” 

Look, we all have our issues with body image, but he needs a little nudge. Maybe suggest he looks into the TB12 program to work on himself, and maybe work on having higher cheekbones like TB.  

“You forgot our 7th anniversary but Tom Brady didn’t!” 

So he forgot your anniversary, well, go buy yourself a gift in the form of a personalized Cameo from TB wishing you (and only you) a happy anniversary, this way you can rub it in his stuipd-can’t-read-a-calendar face for the rest of his life.  

“Man, Tom Brady really loves his kids, I guess he’s not worried it will make them weak like the men in your family.” 

It’s not easy to break generational child rearing beliefs, but with TB around it may finally be possible for you to break this cycle. One look at the video of TB kissing his son on the lips and your man will be pouring so much love on your kids they’ll be running away screaming. 

“Tom Brady is who I think about when we make love!” Save this for an especially stressful day when you have your hands full and he is being so annoying. Admittedly, it is a bit cruel; but once the sting wears off he’ll have a confidence boost when he misinterprets it to mean, “She thinks I fuck like Tom Brady.”

Disclaimer: Any and all of these methods may result in your man comparing you to Gisele.

How To Talk To Your Wife About Incorporating More Fantasy Football In The Bedroom

Admit it, your love life is stale. You and your partner haven’t changed the scoring system or used advanced analytics in years. That’s why we’ve created a comprehensive Sports Riot guide to asking your wife to incorporate more fantasy football in the bedroom:

Narrow Down What You Want: Do you want to add trash talk? Do you want a full-blown fantasy draft with beer, finger foods, and a draft board? Do you want to expand to two more guys? Before confronting your wife, do some research. What would Matthew Berry do?

Use Positivity: You don’t want to insult your partner, so before asking to add more fantasy football, compliment the elements of fantasy sports already present in your love life. Simple things like saying, “Hey, I really love how you approach the flex position. Is there anything you’d like to try? PPR? A punishment for last place? Should we try losing Craig next year?”

Go Beyond Talking: Surprise your partner with a trade. Has she always wanted Tampa Bay D/ST, but you’ve been afraid to give that up? Try it. Maybe you’ll like it. Maybe it’ll add needed depth to your roster. And maybe, come BYE week, your wife will show her appreciation by dropping what you’ve desired since seeing it on RedZone in week 2: Kirk Cousins.

Plenty of excitement is ahead, so get chatting. Who knows? There may even be two playoff berths in your future.

Cleveland Browns Look To Take A Quarterback In 2021, 2022, 2023, 2024, 2025, 2026 Draft

Noting that it’s just a way of life at this point, the Cleveland Browns stated that they are looking to take a quarterback for next year and every year following for the foreseeable future. “We’re always looking for a promising young quarterback to build our team for up to sixteen weeks,” said Browns general manager Andrew Barry, who admits that he likes when the QB has a fun name like Brady, Colt or DeShone. 

“It all began with Tim Couch. The excitement was magical. Now we gather as a city every year in celebration of the hope a new quarterback brings,” said one fan, adding, “From draft day until week 3 or so, we really believe with all of our hearts that this quarterback is the one. It’s a rite of passage.”

As part of the passing of the torch, The Browns organization reportedly invites the thirty starting quarterbacks since 1999 to usher in their temporary “savior,” giving each QB a “Brown Jacket” to signify their lifelong ties to the organization—but noting that Spergon Wynn never returns. “In our family, we’re getting ready to burn our Baker Mayfield jersey for The Annual Great Cleveland Bonfire* to usher in a new franchise quarterback for a season or so. It’s the cleansing we need to prepare for our new savior. We also burn a Johnny Manziel jersey each year just because. It feels right. Hate that guy.” 

(*Editor’s note: Not to be confused with that one time the Cuyahoga River caught fire.) 

Experts say that the Browns can look forward to a great draft pick for the next five to ten years, which will help them select promising new quarterbacks that will have years of success on some other team, but can expect them to be invited back to The Annual Great Cleveland Bonfire for years to come. Along with quarterbacks, the organization says that they are also “week to week” with new coaches. 

Mike McCarthy Caught Completely Off Guard By Quarterback Asking Him For Help

Dallas Cowboys Head Coach Mike McCarthy, fresh off drawing up a play during midweek practice, presented his work to his team. Right after drawing the Receiver Route, McCarthy was totally thrown off by what would happen next. Dallas Quarterback Andy Dalton, raised his hand, and asked “what do you think, coach?” McCarthy stuttered and stammered because this was the first time a Quarterback has ever asked him for help.

Sources noted that McCarthy, not used to his Quarterbacks listening to a signal word he says, muttered a few words before breaking out in a sweat, and his eyes started to well up. “Come on Mike, you’ve been training for this moment all of your life,” McCarthy was reported as saying under his breath. After a minute of silence, McCarthy finally blurted out, “You should throw it to the open man,” and was reportedly proud of his ability to give advice. McCarthy then added “OH, OH! Make sure it’s a Cowboy. Easy mistake to make.” 

Dalton nodded his head, and followed up and asked, “if the Defense sends a Safety on a Blitz and doesn’t have time to throw it far,” bewildering McCarthy. “Isn’t this why we pay a Quarterback’s Coach,” McCarthy blurted out. Next, McCarthy pulled up his phone, and gave him the number for his former “ex who lives in Wisconsin.”

In an even more unfamiliar moment for McCarthy, Dalton thanked him for his time, and his insight. It was later reported that Jerry Jones was incredibly proud of his coach’s advice, and gave him a 5 year, $70 million dollar extension.

We Ran It Through An Algorithm: Here are the 218,938,134 Different Super Bowl Scenarios

After our third year of rolling out our algorithmic program, Dalton-Beta-Crest-1100, we knew we were onto something when last year it tabulated 39,383,700 possible scenarios and all of them involved Andy Reid celebrating his first Super Bowl win by consuming 124oz of steak. With a few additional variables and lines of algorithmic code, we’re ready to precisely demonstrate all 218,938,134 possible scenarios for this year’s Super Bowl.

If you’re a Jacksonville Jaguars fan close your ears, eyes, and find a new team because you’re not in any of these 218,938,134 scenarios. In one very odd scenario the Jaguars convinced the Ravens to trade Lamar Jackson. However, Jackson decided to pursue the superior career prospects as a cashier at a local Publix as being better than quarterback for the Jaguars. Several years later in that very scenario Jackson would rise through the ranks and be Publix’s first cashier/store manager–becoming Publix’s first “dual threat.”

In 209,997,941 of the scenarios the Kansas City Chiefs won the Super Bowl. In the other 8,940,193 scenarios, Patrick Mahomes got pregnant in 12. We’re not sure how because men can’t usually do that, but if Dalton-Beta-Crest-1100 says it, it must be considered. The demise of the Chiefs’ championship hopes also fell by the wayside when Travis Kelce left football to become a music producer in 72 different scenarios, Tyreek Hill left the team to become a Homicide Detective in 3, and Andy Reid decided to leave coaching to open up a Big and Tall store called Big Reid’s in 1,145 of those scenarios. And in the other 8,938,961 scenarios the team was shockingly defeated for a mysterious reason that Dalton-Beta-Crest-1100 told us is, “Beyond our capability of understanding.” When our scientists inquired further, Dalton-Beta-Crest-1100 only replied, “T. B. 1. 2.” 

In all scenarios Dalton-Beta-Crest-1100 predicted Dak Prescott’s tragic injury, thus why it named itself “Dalton” so many years earlier. Also, in all scenarios the Cowboys “never, ever, ever” come close to the Super Bowl. 

The only question that remains is why did it name itself “Beta,” “Crest,” and “1100” so many years earlier?

Tom Brady Requests Trade To New England

After spending his time testing the waters as captain of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, veteran quarterback Tom Brady has decided to embark on an exciting new stage of his career, and is formally requesting a trade to the storied, multiple-championship-winning New England Patriots franchise.

“I will always remember my time here in Tampa fondly, but when I consider the next step in my career, I know I belong with the Patriots,” said the 43-year-old quarterback, once again scrolling through his phone in a desperate attempt to find any Dunkin Donuts location that would deliver after 8pm. “It’s time to go play for a team in a city with far more nutrient-dense water, with a public school system ranked first in the nation by US News and World Report.”

According to teammates close to Brady, the future Hall of Famer began first dropping hints of dissatisfaction on the first morning after he had stayed in Tampa, when he reported feeling his body become “confused and disoriented” by the nighttime temperature not dropping below 70 degrees. These hints increased dramatically, however, on one fateful day in September when only three of his starting linemen were able to recognize the Dropkick Murphys song he had chosen for the team’s karaoke night.

Brady also mentioned irreconcilable dietary differences, such as there being only one organic market within walking distance of his 22,000-square-foot mansion, and specifically mentioning the strange look a local Tampa waiter gave him when he asked if the breakfast grain bowl he had ordered contained anything wicked pissah in it.

“The fact is, I don’t have too many years left in the NFL, and when you get to my age, you just want to be closer to family.” said the quarterback, staring longingly at a faded picture of Julian Edelman that he had produced from his wallet. “Also, when it comes to New England’s foliage? Forget about it.”

According to reports, the impromptu trade request is being seriously considered by the Patriots’ head office, with Bill Belichick himself stating that while he has no recollection of ever personally meeting Brady, his assistants have told him some “great things.”

Richard Sherman Convinced Government Tracking Him Through Giant Chip On Shoulder

In response to repeated questions from reporters about the large, unmistakable chip on his shoulder, 49ers cornerback Richard Sherman posted a video on Instagram claiming that the chip is a tracking device implanted on him by the government.  

Sherman begins the video by acknowledging he’s had these suspicions for a long time, “I’ve felt something was amiss since high school when people first pointed out my budding shoulder chip. Since then it has only grown bigger and bigger despite all my many accomplishments. The only logical answer is that it’s some sort of GPS-tracking chip.”

As the video continues, Sherman explains his working theory on why the government is targeting him.

“I’m a Stanford graduate, first team All-Pro, Super Bowl champion. That’s why they’re tracking me. They want to steal the secrets to my superior intellect and athleticism. They want all my amazing ideas.” Sherman went on to say he felt compelled to post the video out of fear for what would happen if his “power got into the wrong hands.” 

When reached for comment, the NFL denied any claims of spying on Sherman, but confirmed they have planted a mind-control chip in Pete Carroll’s brain.