Tag Archive for: left

Kurt Cobain’s Corpse Blows Its Head Off Again After Hearing Of Seattle Kraken’s Use Of Nirvana Song To Celebrate Goal In Amazon’s Arena

With the lights out, it’s less dangerous/
Here we are now, entertain us/
I feel stupid and contagious/
Here we are now, entertain us/
A mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, my libido/
A denial, a denial, a denial, a denial, a denial/
A denial, a denial, a denial, a denial.

Hear Us Out: Fuck Baltimore, Edgar Allen Poe Would Have Been A Red Sox Fan

To you, the name Edgar Allen Poe might conjure three things: the Raven-black hair, the mustache, and of course, the macabre and lamp-lit streets of Baltimore. But what if I told you, although Poe spent his latter life in the City of Charm and thus frequently referenced it in his works, he was not, as it were, an Orioles fan? What if I told you instead that the illustrious Poe had more Red in him than that same Masque of Death that bore the name?

I first fell upon Poe’s suspect allegiance during my time as a young stowaway upon the dreary whaling ship, Grampus. It was there I spent my uneventful days idling amongst the benevolent midshipmen who, in brief respites abutting the ceaseless tempests tossing us to and fro, made it known to me over butts of soured wine that Poe was birthed a young Boston cur, and insisted that every bone of his pallid body yearned only for that shrouded, foreboding city.

Upon returning to land, I resolved to sail nevermore, and immediately struck out to reveal Poe’s alleged affinity. It was dead of night, and although my aghast eyes could barely reveal the path ahead of me, I could spy a presence very near my person, lingering in those stretched, crawling shadows wherein the light from the Dunkin Donuts penetrates through chary slits in the dark, towering maples lining the Commons. The figure was shrouded, quite girthy, and appeared to be pointing a large, solid object in its outstretched hand to somewhere behind me.

The boys on the Grampus had warned me of an apparition, long forgotten but believed in Poe’s time to be not only real, but the mark of perpetual Loss upon any who witnessed it. I ran to get closer to the phantasm, but in my haste, I tumbled and sprawled upon an upturned stone in my path, narrowly avoiding what appeared to be a deep pit, only to spy the words scratched deep in the earth:


Surely Poe did not believe such rumours? I laughed to myself, perhaps louder than necessary, perhaps in show to whatever was looming in my periphery that I did not give credence to the forlorn talk of superstitious sailors. But, fool that I am, I should have remained silent.

For as soon as I laughed, an anomalous creature emerged that made me sure of Poe’s allegiance—not out of hometown affinity, mind you, but fear, I now understood; fear of a silent madness which would entrap all men if they, like me, did not believe; fear of that haunted spirit that bounded towards me now, sock bloodied, wrapping me in its embrace.

As we plummeted headlong into the pit, all I could hear was his hoary whisper:

“When you die,” it said, with a sadness I could never forget, “I will be the last of the old, old franchise—the House of Bambino.”

What A Waste: Make A Wish Kid Chooses To Attend Minnesota Timberwolves Game

In a move that shocked the entire nonprofit industry, terminally ill child Danny Velasquez wasted his once in a lifetime Make-A-Wish on tickets to a Minnesota Timberwolves game. Velasquez reportedly squandered his one and only opportunity to do whatever his heart desired on $110 lower-level seats he could have just asked his parents for.


“I regret referring him to the program,” said Velasquez’s oncologist, Dr. Jeremy Weiss, adding that he made certain Velasquez knew he could have anything in the entire world. “He’s not even from Minnesota. He just likes their logo and sometimes plays as the Timberwolves on NBA 2K23. He could’ve sat courtside with John Cena to watch Lebron play Steph, but instead he’s going to see a middling T-Wolves team play the Kings in Minnesota during the winter.”


Velasquez’s wish granter reported that while his request was unorthodox, she was required to grant it. “It’s unprofessional to judge but seriously, come on. Last week, Little Tommy Andrich swam with sharks in the Caribbean, and Maggie Baumann sang a duet with Beyonce. Now those were wishes. I didn’t get into this business to secure tickets to the Target Center with local talk radio legend Dan ’The Common Man’ Cole.”


Velasquez’s parents implored their son to place more value on his life and take a daytrip to the Mall of America, Paisley Park, or even swing by the Mayo Clinic for a potential life-saving cure. Unfortunately, Velasquez just shook his head and said: “TIMBERWOLVES.”

We Rank The Top 30 NBA Teams By How Many Lebron James’ They Have

LeBron is life, LeBron is basketball, and it’s said that wherever two or more people are gathered in his name, LeBron is with them. But is it really possible to define or even “locate” LeBron James? We’re going to do the hard work for you: Here the top thirty NBA teams ranked by how many LeBron Jameses they have.


  1. The Cavs

The Cavs have had many LeBrons, thin-bearded LeBrons, fuzzy-bearded LeBrons, long-bearded LeBrons, bald-faced LeBrons — all the way back to when he was a kid, cheering them on at Gund Arena. LeBron will always be in the Cavs’ hearts, despite those hearts being broken from his absence.


  1. The Bulls

The Bulls don’t really have LeBron, but back in the day they had a guy named Michael Jordan who historians say may have been the LeBron of his time.


  1. The Heat

Had him, lost him…still got him? Sorry – this Miami club is too loud for us to think!


  1. The Cavaliers

Different from the Cavs and are LeBron-less. If you know, you know.


  1. The Pacers

Wouldn’t LeBron look great in blue and gold? Indiana thinks so. (Is it possible they already have LeBron? Is that why they’re not in the playoffs?)


  1. The Jacksonville Jaguars

People say that if LeBron weren’t in the NBA, he’d make a terrific tight end. Let’s put it to the super-test with Jacksonville. Also: Lawrence to the Lakers.


  1. The Tune Squad

LeBron carrying a team of undisciplined Looney Tunes in Hollywood? What is this, the Lakers?

  1. The L.A. Kings

LeBron will likely never play for the Kings. Still, they share an arena, so we’ll give them one LeBron.


10–29. Several Teams

Because isn’t LeBron James “America’s team” wherever he is? Can’t we all lay claim to him? Rumor has it that LeBron will suit up for any team photo in the U.S., abroad, or space (of course) as long as they give him two days’ notice. And if he returns to L.A. exhausted, no problem — he’ll sit out!


  1. The Lakers

Nah — not if Russell Westbrook is there.

I’ve never been more passionate about a cause. An entire month dedicated to big natural titties? Hell yeah, here to help.

-Jerry Jones

on Breast Cancer Awareness Month

Tom Brady Can Come Back From Retirement, So Can My Lazy 82-Year-Old Father

Tom Brady — Excellence. Dedication. Sacrifice. My 82-year old dad? Lazy. Bottom-percentile measurables. Retired since 2007. Tom Brady was only retired for a month, so I think the fifteen years my dad has spent lazing about, watching the hummingbirds and mourning my stepmom or whatever the hell he does all day is long enough.


It’s time my dad got off his ass and started pulling his weight around here, and there’s only one method that can help: TB12. The problem is he lacks Brady’s commitment to excellence. When I caught him eating a piece of toast yesterday, he blubbered, “The acai smoothies hurt my ulcers.”


What part of “you need to reduce your K/NA ratio and raise intracellular magnesium with an alkaline diet” isn’t clear? TB12 isn’t just a training regimen; it’s a holistic lifestyle, and I’m going to put my whole foot up his ass if he doesn’t shut up and eat his dandelion greens.


And his dedication to pliability? Pathetic. It’s the key to Brady’s longevity, but this crybaby keeps complaining about his hip replacement. Brady never needed a hip replacement, and he ate 543 career sacks like it was avocado ice cream.


Am I being hard on my dad? Sure, but no one’s harder than Tom Brady is on himself, and look what he’s accomplished? I just wanna see my dad get to the pinnacle of his field once again: another gold watch from Sears for being “an accountant.”

Eco Win! Qatar Debuts Soccer Stadiums Built Entirely From Recycled Bodies

In one of the boldest moves yet to counteract climate disaster, the president of Qatar’s Government Development Bureau, Rizwan bin Nasir Al-Fayyad, announced on Thursday that all World Cup stadiums currently under construction will now be required to be comprised of 95-percent migrant laborer bodies.


“With all the energy we will need to use to cool the stadiums, we have heard your criticisms loudly and clearly,” stated Al-Fayyad, who also mentioned that thanks to his country’s relaxed labor laws and the kafala system’s innovative method of rapid passport confiscation, the material itself could be sourced quickly and basically for free. “By switching over to this completely organic, biodegradable material, we hope to demonstrate our unique commitment to preserving humanity—both figuratively and literally.”


According to the government’s environmental impact report, use of migrant bodies has the potential to reduce carbon dioxide emissions by a staggering 100 percent as soon as the material is harvested. Al-Fayyad also noted that, unlike traditional materials, the bodies were an entirely renewable resource, with a new crop of migrant laborer able to be collected in as little as 18 years, although he did note it was important not to let the material mature much longer than this to avoid development of class consciousness.


Although the material has never been used before, the unique choice is already making waves in the international community, with nations such as China, Saudi Arabia, and North Korea indicating that they are already developing pilot programs of their own to test the material’s efficacy.


As for the initial program, if it proves successful, Qatar plans to implement a second phase of sustainable development whereby the new steel used to build the stadiums’ bleachers would instead be replaced by rows of living migrant laborers for attendees to sit on.



Article: John

Editor: Constantine


The Top 5 Exercises To Turn That Dad Bod Into An Infertile Wasteland

Yes, the pandemic death rates might be thinning, but that beer belly of yours sure isn’t! We say it’s time you ditch the soft, pudgy Dad Bod and instead crater it into the horrifying, completely impotent modern art sculpture that will make her say, “What the fuck am I looking at?”! Here are five exercises to help you get started:

  1. NEGLECT: Just like all great athletes incorporate meditation into their training regimen, it’s important that you, too, not omit the mental side to converting your body fat into a cirrhotic Lovecraftian nightmare. To perfect Neglect, just remember this one simple mantra: “When you feel like taking care of yourself, don’t.”
  2. HARD ALCOHOL: Beer might make a Dad Bod but only a vigorous routine of hard alcohol can make an Infertile Wasteland! As long as you can commit to five shots of liquor a day, you could soon be saying “goodbye” to that bubble-gut and “hello” to a festering, drooping mass of atrophied muscles and worrying red splotches. But you gotta keep up the pace, champ. Real men don’t have sobriety cheat days!
  3. DICK-KICK BOXING: This exercise has been making waves in all of L.A.’s hottest fitness studios, and just one look at how much fun everyone’s having will explain why — it’s Taebo meets sperm genocide!
  4. CHERNOBYL CROSSFIT: True Wasteland-bod perfectionists know you can only get so far without equipment. And what better equipment than the 3,200-megawatt-thermal-capacity splendor that is Chernobyl’s nuclear reactor #4! Just go a hard thirty minutes around the reactor core and not only will your children never recognize your hideous, mutated form, they’ll most likely never even exist in the first place!
  5. ANABOLIC STEROIDS: If all else fails and you still can’t shake the Dad Bod, you can always resort to what the real professionals do. From Barry Bonds’ head to Lance Armstrong’s personality, a healthy PED regimen is still the gold standard for helping you achieve that perfect blend of freakishly abnormal and completely unfuckable!


Ladies, look out next week for our list of the best ways to get a six-pack uterus.


RuPaul’s NASCAR Drag Race