Yes, the pandemic death rates might be thinning, but that beer belly of yours sure isn’t! We say it’s time you ditch the soft, pudgy Dad Bod and instead crater it into the horrifying, completely impotent modern art sculpture that will make her say, “What the fuck am I looking at?”! Here are five exercises to help you get started:
- NEGLECT: Just like all great athletes incorporate meditation into their training regimen, it’s important that you, too, not omit the mental side to converting your body fat into a cirrhotic Lovecraftian nightmare. To perfect Neglect, just remember this one simple mantra: “When you feel like taking care of yourself, don’t.”
- HARD ALCOHOL: Beer might make a Dad Bod but only a vigorous routine of hard alcohol can make an Infertile Wasteland! As long as you can commit to five shots of liquor a day, you could soon be saying “goodbye” to that bubble-gut and “hello” to a festering, drooping mass of atrophied muscles and worrying red splotches. But you gotta keep up the pace, champ. Real men don’t have sobriety cheat days!
- DICK-KICK BOXING: This exercise has been making waves in all of L.A.’s hottest fitness studios, and just one look at how much fun everyone’s having will explain why — it’s Taebo meets sperm genocide!
- CHERNOBYL CROSSFIT: True Wasteland-bod perfectionists know you can only get so far without equipment. And what better equipment than the 3,200-megawatt-thermal-capacity splendor that is Chernobyl’s nuclear reactor #4! Just go a hard thirty minutes around the reactor core and not only will your children never recognize your hideous, mutated form, they’ll most likely never even exist in the first place!
- ANABOLIC STEROIDS: If all else fails and you still can’t shake the Dad Bod, you can always resort to what the real professionals do. From Barry Bonds’ head to Lance Armstrong’s personality, a healthy PED regimen is still the gold standard for helping you achieve that perfect blend of freakishly abnormal and completely unfuckable!
Ladies, look out next week for our list of the best ways to get a six-pack uterus.