5 Best Ballparks for Cheating on Your Dying Wife So She’ll Never Find Out—Oh, God, She’s Looking Through My Texts with Her Frail Fingers

So you want to cheat on your terminally ill wife? You’ve come to the right place. I’ve compiled a list of the top 5 ballparks for doing exactly that — wait, is she looking through my texts? Oh, God. I’m surprised her brittle bones can support the weight of an iPhone 8. Welp, she’ll fade into one of her many daily naps soon. Let’s begin:

 

  1. Tropicana Field: Nobody, not even Tampa residents, wants to watch the Rays play. When their game is inevitably blacked out, your wife won’t see you and that cute redhead from the gym canoodling in the stands when she’s flipping through tv stations from her hospital bed — speaking of bed, why is she still awake? Aaand she’s looking at me now. Yup, she found the photo album of Angelique’s nudes. Fuck. Moving on…
  1. Fenway Park: If you’re going to cheat on the mother of your kids and terminal wife of 30 years, why not do it somewhere quaint, classy, and, most importantly, fun? Take a stroll through history as you commit adultery on The Green Monster. Your wife won’t mind. She’ll be too preoccupied with some experimental treatment that probably won’t work — Wait. What’s that moaning sound I hear? Dammit! She’s watching the video of me and Angelique. Fuck. I knew I should’ve deleted that.      
  1. Coors Field: Ahh the Rocky Mountains. Beautiful scenery and way too little oxygen to bring a spouse with her level of lung scarring — and now she’s staring. Just staring. She hasn’t hit the button for the morphine drip in over five minutes. She is completely lucid. Not good.
  1. Yankee Stadium: New York City. The city that never sleeps. Presumably because its inhabitants are up all night fucking in celebration after watching the Bronx Bombers crush their opponents like the cancer is crushing your wife’s will to live — What’s that honey? Do you want some jello? No jello, you just want to talk? Be right there…
  1. Wrigley Field: The Friendly Confines. The spot you proposed to your sweet, beautiful, soon-to-be-literally-angelic wife. Your better half and lifelong Cubs fan who stayed by your side when you recovered from brain surgery. The woman, who like many a Cubs fan, won’t be able to see you make out with some chick half your age because the stadium is so old there are pillars obstructing their view — What’s that, Helen? You made a list too? The 5 Best Illnesses To Fake So Your Husband Leaves The House Long Enough For You To Fuck His Boss, Ken.

 

Touche, Helen. Touche.