LESSER SPORTS

“We’re going to outperform Qatar in the 2034 World Cup.”
–Saudi Arabia, on the amount of human rights violations they hope to commit

“I’d watch them for hours as a kid. They were my greatest inspiration.”
–Simone Biles, on Auntie Anne’s Pretzels

Historic World Cup Hat Trick For 38-Year-Old Confirms Soccer Is Really Fucking Easy
They call it the Beautiful Game: a poetic ballet of heart and tactical genius serving as the ultimate test of physical endurance and unmatched skill. But after watching 38-year-old senior

President Trump Crowned Presidentweight Champion At UFC 250
With America’s semiquincentennial approaching, UFC Freedom 250 added another page to the history books. The South Lawn cheered Sunday night as President Donald Trump, emerging from behind a metal cross

Tiger Woods Announces Return To Adultery
The GOAT is back. Tiger Woods, the gallivanting gaslighter of all time, recently let the world know that he’s worked tirelessly to put his monogamy behind him and come back

Report: Most Americans Under 30 Don’t Believe the 1980 Miracle on Ice Happened Without Any Gay Sex
Olympic historians are now facing a “cock-ophany” of naysayers. A recent study has revealed the majority of Gen Z believes the Cold War hockey phenomenon “Miracle on Ice” could not

Pathetic: No One On Women’s Olympic Hockey Team Can Dunk
Team USA officials confirmed Monday that not a single player on the U.S. women’s Olympic hockey roster can dunk a basketball, a revelation some analysts immediately described as “a devastating

Trump Bans Biathletes
With the stroke of his pen, President Trump has changed the identity of the Olympics forever. Flanked by members of the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, Trump signed an executive order

Fans Hoping Jake Paul Fights Cancer Next
The meteoric rise of Jake Paul, YouTuber turned professional fighter, has been marked by wins against many of the sports’ most decorated first-timers. Now fans are clamoring for Paul to

FIFA Peace Prize Modeled After Hands Of Workers Who Died Building Qatar Soccer Stadiums
Following President Donald Trump’s reception of the inaugural FIFA Peace Prize, new information has revealed the trophy to be modeled after the hands of the thousands of migrant workers who






