LESSER SPORTS
“I don’t care if we’re friends. Once we’re on the ice, it’s a special military operation.”
–Alex Ovechkin
“That’s it, I’m taking my ball and going home!”
–Lance Armstrong, after being booed in public
The Hero We Need: Gritty Has Vowed To Personally Track Down And Consume Every Person Mentioned In The Epstein Flight Logs
IOC Announces Pacific Garbage Patch To Host 2032 Games
The International Olympic Committee announced this week in a landmark decision that the 2032 Summer Olympics has been awarded to the vast accumulation of man-made debris floating in the ocean
Report: Table Tennis Player Still Not Hooking Up With Anyone At Olympic Village
Despite having lots of game on the miniaturized tennis court, one table tennis player has whiffed time and again in his attempts to hook up with the usually sexually indiscriminate
Opinion: Sure, This Five-Time Olympic Gold Medalist Is Good, But Is He ‘Convince Me To Eat Subway’ Good?
While catching up on my shows last weekend, during a commercial break I saw an ad for Subway sandwiches featuring five-time Olympic gold medalist, Nathan Vera—arguably one of the best
Impressive Display From Olympics Archery Competition Inspires Local Man To Finally Buy A Gun
Following an incredible display of marksmanship from the world’s best archers during the Summer Olympics, local man Burt McKinley, who long felt it unnecessary to acquire a contraption that fires
Michael Phelps Devastated To Learn His Child Was Born Too Proportionate To Be A Swimmer
Michael Phelps received devastating news this past week that his infant son was born far too proportionate to ever compete at the highest level of swimming. Doctors say Michael Fred
Five Drinking Games The IOC Should Add To Spice Up The Summer Olympics
Every four years we get the same old events for the summer Olympics, and after a millennium or two, it’s gotten a bit stale. However, one thing that never gets old
Hear Us Out: Women’s Olympic Beach Volleyball But My Awkward 15-Year-Old Cousin Doesn’t Excuse Himself To Go To His Room After The First Five Minutes
Imagine you’re watching women’s Olympic beach volleyball but keep getting interrupted by a teenager with a history of constantly entering and exiting the room any time there’s an extreme closeup
China Requests IOC Provide Separate Olympic Ghetto For Uighur Athletes
Following disturbing reports of the Uyghur ethnic group being subjected to forced disappearances, torture, and reeducation through labor, China has kindly requested the International Olympic Committee accommodate the persecuted athletes