LESSER SPORTS
“They can say anything they want to me now, but let’s see what they say in the ring.”
–Logan Paul, on the families of Japanese Suicide Forest victims
“It takes a village.”
–John Donahoe, CEO of Nike, Inc, on the amount of underpaid Bangladeshi children it’ll take to launch the new Fall line
“I don’t care if we’re friends. Once we’re on the ice, it’s a special military operation.”
–Alex Ovechkin
“That’s it, I’m taking my ball and going home!”
–Lance Armstrong, after being booed in public
Remembering Hockeykkah: The Eight-Day Celly Commemorating The Miracle On Ice
Remembering Hockeykkah: The Eight-Day Celly Commemorating The Miracle On Ice The holidays are upon us, and while many celebrated around a tree yesterday, December 25th, members of the ancient skating tribe are observing eight straight days of Hockeykkah cheer. Hockeykkah (or Chockeykah) is a remembrance of Team USA’s shocking upset over their Soviet oppressors at […]
Rich Little Fancy Boy Has Uproarious, Knee-Slapping, Long-Term-Asset-Purchasing Time At US Open
Nicholas Altman III, legacy and heir to the Altman empire, attended his first rousing, stem-winding, hoot-and-howler of a fourth-quarter-projections-are-promising US Open. Staying through a few riveting, inspiring, synergy-driven matches the Altman’s retired to their docked opulent ornate cash-flow-neutral-but-stocks-are-booming yacht. When asked for comment on Nicholas’ first US Open the seven year old said, “Those not […]
We Pay Tribute To The 5 Greatest Athletes Out Of North Korea
It is our privilege to be selected by HUMANE AND GRACIOUS LEADER to compile the finest list of our homeland’s greatest athletes. Here are North Korea’s (and the universe’s) best
All You Uncultured Sluts Watched The New Deadpool Movie Over The Olympics. We Did Too, Here’s Our Review.
If you’re reading this, we know who you are. More importantly “what” you are. The assignment was simple. Watch the Olympics. Have a smear of class. But you couldn’t. All
How 5 Underdog Circles Became The Olympic Rings We Know Today
Blue, black, red, yellow, green. Sure, we recognize them NOW as the cosmopolitan Olympic rings, palling around at international soirees, taking selfies, and linking arm-in-arm to represent strength and achievement.
Barack Obama and 5 Other Olympic Snubs
Despite leading our country for two terms as President, smoking weed in college, and killing Bin Laden, former president Barack Obama was not asked, dare we say “snubbed”, the ultimate
Opinion: I’m No Fan Of The Olympics, But I Don’t Think Killing The Athletes Is A Reasonable Alternative
Remember the 1972 Olympics? Jeez – those were the good ole days. Remember when only 11 of the 7,134 athletes were murdered? I have a particular bone to pick with
Embracing His Heritage: Michael Phelps Embarks On Birthright Trip
According to aquatic sources, 23 time Olympic winner, Michael Phelps, feeling the need to be around his family, has embarked on his annual pilgrimage. Although it is an arduous journey
Olympics “Anti-Sex” Beds Imported From Sport Riot Readers’ Bedrooms
YOU’RE A HERO!! In one of the country’s most inspiring acts of patriotism, Sports Riot readers have answered the call to send their sex–repelling beds to the brave athletes fighting
Disappointing: Opening Ceremony Just Leads To Olympics
I, Jimmy LaRue, am a red blooded American man. Do I like pomp and circumstance? Like apple pie, I do. So when I heard France was throwing some extravagant televised
