LESSER SPORTS
“They can say anything they want to me now, but let’s see what they say in the ring.”
–Logan Paul, on the families of Japanese Suicide Forest victims
“It takes a village.”
–John Donahoe, CEO of Nike, Inc, on the amount of underpaid Bangladeshi children it’ll take to launch the new Fall line
“I don’t care if we’re friends. Once we’re on the ice, it’s a special military operation.”
–Alex Ovechkin
“That’s it, I’m taking my ball and going home!”
–Lance Armstrong, after being booed in public
Remembering Hockeykkah: The Eight-Day Celly Commemorating The Miracle On Ice
Remembering Hockeykkah: The Eight-Day Celly Commemorating The Miracle On Ice The holidays are upon us, and while many celebrated around a tree yesterday, December 25th, members of the ancient skating tribe are observing eight straight days of Hockeykkah cheer. Hockeykkah (or Chockeykah) is a remembrance of Team USA’s shocking upset over their Soviet oppressors at […]
Rich Little Fancy Boy Has Uproarious, Knee-Slapping, Long-Term-Asset-Purchasing Time At US Open
Nicholas Altman III, legacy and heir to the Altman empire, attended his first rousing, stem-winding, hoot-and-howler of a fourth-quarter-projections-are-promising US Open. Staying through a few riveting, inspiring, synergy-driven matches the Altman’s retired to their docked opulent ornate cash-flow-neutral-but-stocks-are-booming yacht. When asked for comment on Nicholas’ first US Open the seven year old said, “Those not […]
Olympics “Anti-Sex” Beds Imported From Sport Riot Readers’ Bedrooms
YOU’RE A HERO!! In one of the country’s most inspiring acts of patriotism, Sports Riot readers have answered the call to send their sex–repelling beds to the brave athletes fighting
Disappointing: Opening Ceremony Just Leads To Olympics
I, Jimmy LaRue, am a red blooded American man. Do I like pomp and circumstance? Like apple pie, I do. So when I heard France was throwing some extravagant televised
‘Air Bud: Fur-mula 1’ Goes Through Record 30th Stunt Dog
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as
Cult Starting To Feel Like A Yoga Class
As concerned initiates of the Sacred Messengers of Isaiah religious cult were silently led from the Main Compound into an indoor dance studio smelling suspiciously like patchouli oil, they noted
We Give Up: What Do YOU Think Happened In Tennis This Week?
We turned on tennis last week and we’ll admit it: intrusive thoughts of driving our Volvo Hybrid off local cliff “Satan’s Gorge” dominated our cerebrum. So. Here we are. Did
Report: Edmonton Oilers To Be Electric By 2040
Coming off the heels of a Stanley Cup Finals loss to the Florida Panthers last night, the Edmonton Oilers have announced a brighter, newer future. In an effort to become
Sorry Lovers: Fuckmonster Gritty Announces Engagement To Green M&M
Philadelphia’s most eligible Sex God, Fuckmonster Gritty, is off the market. Gritty, King of Mascots (KoM), has made public what we at Sports Riot have speculated for weeks: Gritty and
How You Can Help Us Get Hockey Canceled
Earlier last week our editors tasked us with writing a side article on “professional ice hockey.” We’d thought it disbanded in 1921 but were presented data of “The Stanley Cup”
