Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Aaron Donald Officially Unretired After Grim Reaper Tasked Him With Collecting Brock Purdy
When Aaron Donald officially announced his return to football, fans assumed it was to help the Rams win another Super Bowl. However, it appears the 3x DPOY came back for
Browns Announce They Have Merged Watson And Sanders To Create Sex Pest Who Can’t Throw
Birthed out of the flames of the Cleveland River, the best scientists in Ohio created a being to finally fix their team’s quarterback problem. Rather than choose between Deshaun Watson
Jeanie Buss Allowed To Keep Whatever Percentage of Lakers Bronny Is
Five of the six Buss children are united in the decision to sell the Lakers to business partners Josh Kushner and Bob Iger. Jeanie Buss remains the lone outlier, prompting
Browns Defenders Wishing Deshaun Watson Wouldn’t Keep Asking Them To Target His Ankle Monitor During Practice
With training camp behind him and the regular season around the corner, Cleveland Browns starting linebacker Quincy Williams should be locked in. Instead, he’s got starting quarterback and first-string felon
Golf Cart Yearns for the Interstate
For their 14 years of existence, all golf cart Birdie Bunker has known are the two courses making up Jupiter Hills Club. Same overly manicured grass, same chlorinated ponds, same
Not Even Rays Know They’re In First
A study out of Stanford University revealed Thursday that the Tampa Bay Rays community, taking a cue from baseball fans everywhere, appeared completely unaware that their franchise is currently in
Ray Lewis Shows Up to Ravens’ Cut Day with a Full Smile on His Face
Any NFL organization will agree the roster cut deadline is a brutal one. Former Baltimore Raven Ray Lewis is on the same page, as evidenced by him showing up to
Saints Fear Zach Wilson Did Not Tear His ACL
The New Orleans Saints spent Thursday afternoon anxiously awaiting an injury report that could determine the fate of their season. After watching the entire third-team offense jog off the field
Boston Red Sox Must Be Good Again, Report City’s Unbeaten Children
An SR–New England special report revealed Monday that, according to a sharp decline in recorded beatings aimed at Boston area children, the Red Sox could be doing pretty well. Lead
