Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
PGA Preemptively Bans A.I. Golf Balls That Moan When Struck
PGA Tour Commissioner Jay Monahan has been hard at work trying to find an angle to make golf more appealing to a younger generation, but even he has a limit.
Kenny Smith Ready to Put an End to the Ever-Going Jordan-LeBron-Kenny Smith Debate
Under the bright lights of the Inside the NBA studio, Kenny Smith decided to set the record straight. As Ernie Johnson uncomfortably adjusted his bow tie and Shaq drifted to
NFL Offseason Update: Kyle Shanahan Blows 25 Point Lead During Family Yahtzee Night
With NFL training camp kicking off in just under a month, players and coaches are taking the opportunity to spend the last leg of the offseason with their families. For
Yankees Finally Allow Players To Grow Full Bush
Reversing a strict 113-year tradition, New York Yankees’ head office voted Monday to allow each of their players to finally grow out the full extent of their pubic hair without
FIFA Considers Expanding World Cup To More Worlds
As the 2026 World Cup comes to a close, FIFA is already planning how to make the 2030 tournament a bigger affair than ever before. In fact, the next competition
Opinion: It’s Been Too Long And Now I’m Afraid To Ask; What Is Argentina?
There comes a point in every adult’s life when pretending becomes more exhausting than ignorance. For me, that point is Argentina. I’ve spent years nodding through conversations about Argentina with
Stephen Miller Furious With How Much World Is At This World Cup
The World Cup has seen 47 nations descend on North America. Each has shared the rich tapestry of their cultures along with a unified love for the game of soccer.
Justin Verlander Retires After Remembering He Was Still Playing
Legendary pitcher Justin Verlander announced this week that, at age 43, he will finally be retiring from baseball. According to Verlander, he realized this week that he was, in fact,
Robert Saleh Meeting with Cam Ward Weekly to Make Sure He’s Not Aaron Rodgers
When Robert Saleh first arrived in Tennessee, he watched QB Cam Ward roll to his right and launch a 60 yard bomb, hitting his receiver in stride. After being impressed,
