Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Entire World Way Too Scared to Tell Maxx Crosby He’s Spelling His Name Wrong
Maxx Crosby is quickly carving a legacy for himself as one of the most feared players in the history of the NFL. His aggressive tendencies plus looking like an ex-con
Report: Most Americans Under 30 Don’t Believe the 1980 Miracle on Ice Happened Without Any Gay Sex
Olympic historians are now facing a “cock-ophany” of naysayers. A recent study has revealed the majority of Gen Z believes the Cold War hockey phenomenon “Miracle on Ice” could not
Pathetic: No One On Women’s Olympic Hockey Team Can Dunk
Team USA officials confirmed Monday that not a single player on the U.S. women’s Olympic hockey roster can dunk a basketball, a revelation some analysts immediately described as “a devastating
Trump Bans Biathletes
With the stroke of his pen, President Trump has changed the identity of the Olympics forever. Flanked by members of the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, Trump signed an executive order
Zac Taylor Wondering If Someone Forgot To Tell Him He’s Fired
As coaches in the AFC North fell, one man was left standing: Zac Taylor. He doesn’t have the rings or reputation of former rivals John Harbaugh and Mike Tomlin. He
Jets Resting Entire Roster During Super Bowl
Super Bowl LX will feature two teams that did whatever it took to make the big dance. So obviously, neither of those teams are the New York Jets. But according
Report: Browns Confident They Hired Wrong Guy
Crawling out of a league-spanning head coach search, the Cleveland Browns announced they are entering the offseason with certainty they’ve brought the worst possible option in to lead the organization.
Bill Belichick Deflated After Missing Hall-Of-Fame First Ballot, Spies Next Year
Six Super Bowl titles. 333 total victories. 17 division titles, 31 playoff wins, and three AP Coach of the Year awards. Bill Belichick is arguably the most accomplished head coach
Trump Threatens To Take Green Bay If He Doesn’t Win Walter Payton Man Of The Year Award
The White House knows it. Mike Johnson knows it. President Donald J. Trump is an award-winning president. And soon the NFL will agree by awarding the President the 2026 Walter
