Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Ray Lewis Murder Mystery Party All Murder No Mystery
In Baltimore, as the saying goes, there ain’t no party like a Ray Lewis party. Every year, Ray Lewis’ exclusive Ravens-superfan jam is the invite to get. From his “Gone
White House ‘Unsure’ How To Feel About A ‘Christian’ ‘Gonzalez’
The White House is scrambling. Sources close to the Oval Office claim they’re unsure how to process New England’s latest roster report. Their concern: how to explain a “Patriot” with
Veteran Who Survived Normandy Invasion Booed For Not Understanding Bongo Cam
A sold-out crowd at UBS Arena turned hostile Saturday night after 98-year-old World War II veteran Harold “Bud” Minter failed to participate in the Islanders’ beloved Bongo Cam, a lighthearted
Woke Nonsense: Fanatics Won’t Sell Me An Aaron Hernandez Jersey
America! The land of the free. The home of the brave. That was, until this past weekend. I ordered, with my hard earned land-of-the-free dollars, an Aaron Hernandez jersey, and
Bengals Must Find A Way To Lose Without Joe Burrow
In Sunday’s game the Bengals’ coaching staff has been left scrambling to concoct a new plan for their season. Joe Burrow stood as a pillar of consistency in a city
Savvy Jerry Jones Knows He’s Just One Generationally Talented Edge Rusher Away From Success
Jerry Jones knows how to win. More importantly, Jerry Jones knows that Jerry Jones knows how to win. And Jerry Jones knows that his Cowboys are one big-time edge rusher
Sean Payton Responds To Russell Wilson Insult By Ordering Jonathan Vilma To Take Him Out
Broncos head coach Sean Payton is once again facing controversy after reportedly contacting former Saints linebacker Jonathan Vilma in response to a social media post from quarterback Russell Wilson referencing
Colts Superbowl Appearance Could Finally Put Indianapolis On Google Maps
After an era of pure struggle and disappointment, the Colts are finally beginning to make a viable run for the Lombardi. So much so, in fact, there are murmurings that
Anthropologists Announce That Humans Have Evolved Past The Need For The Arizona Cardinals
A groundbreaking study out of UCLA revealed Wednesday that human life has no further evolutionary need for the Arizona Cardinals. Some biologists are pointing to as early as December of
