Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Oh Fuck Oh Shit! Someone In A Wheelchair Just Asked If You Watched The Paralympics!
A person in a wheelchair has approached you. Oh, FUCK. Oh, SHIT. We can tell – this is going to be a Paralympics conversation. Did you watch any this year?
Lock Up Your Sons: Virginia McCaskey Is Going Off Birth Control
BREAKING: Chicago Bears owner and longtime Chi-Town starlet Virginia McCaskey has announced in a press conference that she will be no-longer on birth control. “I’ve decided, I want to start
How To Protect Yourself And Home During A Raiders Away Game
You’ve got the dip, you’ve got the drinks, but… are you prepared for the national security threat Raiders fans pose to your home? Got a gun – HA! Good luck!
Quiz: Which Green Bay Professional Sports Team Are You?
Green Bay is a LEGENDARY sports town. In fact, they call it “Title Town.” But which of their pro sports teams best defines you? Take our quiz. 1. Do you
Where Is He Now?: Patrick Mahomes
Patrick. Mahomes. Remember that name? Gosh. It feels like yesterday when the star studded QB of KC was on my tv every Sunday. But sadly, time passes. Despite it FEELING
‘Hard Knocks’ Finale Will Show Bears Fans Were In Purgatory All Along
WARNING: The following content contains SPOILERS. HBO leaked information Monday about its Season 21 finale of Hard Knocks: Chicago Bears. Lead director Shannon Furman told sources that the final minutes
ESPN To Add “Would Fuck” Feature To Fantasy Football App
Due to extreme demand from fantasy players, owners, and developers, ESPN reportedly will add a “would f*ck” feature to their fantasy football app. “Fans know the stats. But what about
Razorbacks, Longhorns, And 5 Other Teams Named After Animals Their Fans Love To Fuck
College Football has many unanswered questions. Now, we know what you’re thinking. How DID these teams get THESE mascots? Our research shows, those fan bases f*ck those animals. Over and
An Apology From Our Editors: Lou Gehrig Did Not Get ALS From Eating Too Many Baseballs
In the rush to print, publications must balance due diligence with experience. Regrettably, we at Sports Riot failed to do so on June 3, 1941. The editors at Sports Riot
