Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Richard Sherman Convinced Government Tracking Him Through Giant Chip On Shoulder
In response to repeated questions from reporters about the large, unmistakable chip on his shoulder, 49ers cornerback Richard Sherman posted a video on Instagram claiming that the chip is a
Opinion: Here’s Why You Should Be Passing The Ball To Me
Dear ignorant teammates, Lately, a lot of you have been playing entire games of basketball without once passing the ball to me. Personally, I have no idea why you would
Amazing Female Competitor Somehow Holding Her Own Against Male Spellers
Approaching the final round of the National Spelling Bee, fans remain taken back by the amazing female competitor who is somehow holding her own against her more muscular and chiseled
Waterboy Tired Of Hearing About La Croix
Longtime Dallas Waterboy Ben Morrow has been supplying water in various containers for most of his life but he has reached a tipping point. Morrow, a 30 year Hydration-veteren, is
Cardboard Philly Fans Still Manage To Throw Batteries On Field
Losing the little things we’ve come to know in sports has been difficult as leagues adapt to the pandemic, but a miracle in Philadelphia unfolded this past (limited) regular season
Baseballs And Other Things You Can Throw At The Houston Astros
Does the Houston Astros cheating in the World Series bother you? Well, if you ever run into an Astro, here are some things you can throw at them: Baseballs: Pretty
Skip Bayless Rushed To Hospital As Blood Pressure Drops Below 280/120
In a worrying sequence of events, FS1 commentator and beloved sports personality Skip Bayless was quickly taken to Cedars-Sinai Emergency Medical Center in West Hollywood on Tuesday, after collapsing on
Nihilist NFL Offensive Coordinator Couldn’t Care Less How Many Points They Score Because The Great Game Of Life Ultimately Has No Points
Nihilist Offensive Coordinator Chris Perlman addressed the press ahead of the upcoming season, saying he doesn’t care how many points the team scores under him because points, like life itself,
Rival Teams Stand Together to End Racism, Spread Coronavirus
Premier League teams, at the urging of their top sponsors, are standing for social justice. As play resumes, players from rival teams have been lining up together prior to the
