Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Dad Teaches Son Everything He Doesn’t Know About Football
A heartwarming yet confusing scene unfolded in suburban Portland this past weekend as a well-meaning father mistaught every facet of football to his beloved son, according to sources within the
Trick Play Blown Up By Well-Placed Land Mine
Yesterday, North Canyon High School ran an explosive trick play to win a critical game against the Milbrook Bobcats and keep their playoff hopes alive. While some may question Coach
Quarterback Rankings Clearly Not Factoring In Hotness
As a football fan, I’m getting a little tired of these so-called “data-driven” lists ranking QBs when it’s clear that their hotness isn’t even entering the equation. Yeah, they show
Risky: We Let This All-Pro Punter Hold Our Dog
It started off like any other Saturday. Then, we took a stroll to the dog park and… Jeremy Ferstein, ten-year NFL punting veteran, approached complimenting Trixie, our adorable bichon frise.
Man Binges Last 58 Super Bowls To Catch Up To Current Season
Attempting to get caught up on all the previous seasons to avoid spoilers before this year’s Super Bowl, local man Ed Taylor is binge-watching the last 58 Super Bowls. Taylor,
Patriots Attempt First All Drone Roster
The Patriots always seem to find themselves one step ahead of the competition. Now after 20 years of unmatched success, the six-time Super Bowl champions are looking for help from
Unlikely Group Of Misfits Win Regatta
For the first time in 50 years the Richington Yacht Club failed to win the Bridgehampton Regatta, after an upstart group of lovable misfits banded together to challenge the perennial
A More Mature Bills Team Officially Changes Team Name
The Buffalo Bills, tired of being treated like the kid of the AFC East, have decided to rebrand themselves to reflect a more mature and adult attitude. The football team,
Jerry Jones Hired As New Cowboys Head Coach
A major shakeup occurred in Dallas over the past weekend, as recent Cowboys head coaching hire Mike McCarthy was unceremoniously set aside in favor of a new and audacious prospect,
