Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Philadelphia Report: Baby Surprisingly Hard To Throw Onto Field
Sources have informed Sports Riot that a long and hallowed Philadelphia tradition dating back to 1987 went off without a hitch last night. As is tradition, a baby must be
Debate Time: Can A Ram Kill A Lion? Aaron Rodgers Got Us High As Fuck And Now We’re Arguing With Him
We’ll report back with the final debate results after the room stops spinning, right now our hands feel really incredible and the world is connected to the universe through love
Report: A Kelce Brother Is Probably Fucking Right Now
A shocking new study released by the NFL has revealed that, given any moment chances are, a Kelce brother is likely having sex. Whether it is a global pop superstar
Mayor Of Cleveland Prepares To Set Fire To River Again Before Next Watson Allegations Drop
Cleveland mayor Justin Bibb announced Wednesday a $2.1 million measure to prepare the Cuyahoga River to catch fire immediately in the case that Browns quarterback Deshaun Watson faces another sexual-misconduct
‘Peacock’ And 5 Other Made-Up Streaming Services With NFL Games
With the Wild West that has become the online streaming platform market, it was only a matter of time until pranksters got in on the action and swindled the broadcasting
Now It Makes Sense: Mark Davis Has Been Dead For 3 Years
Shedding light on a question NFL fans and journalists alike have often raised, the Clark County Coroner’s Office in Las Vegas released an official statement on Thursday that Raiders owner
Terrible Towel Doubles As Dating Red Flag
You perused a few games yesterday while you’re swiping through the dating apps over this morning’s coffee and there it is! Finally the wait is over! You find someone that
“Tush Push” And 5 Other NFL Plays That Describe Your Pathetic Sex Life
Football, like sex, is a lot more fun when you can actually convert and make it into the end zone. And while the Tush Push might have a 92% success
Long Live The King: Gym Teacher Wows Class By Dunking On 9-Foot Hoop
Second-grade students ran wild in disbelief after seeing legendary gym teacher Mr. Salisbury put on an unforgettable spectacle by jamming home a towering, show-stopping nine-foot dunk during this morning’s gym
