Report: United States Willing To Trade Nukes To Serbia For More Nikola Jokics

During a joint press conference with the US Department of Defense and the NBA, the United States today formally announced that they would be willing to trade nuclear warheads to Serbia in a desperate bid to acquire more Nikola Jokics.

“Everyday the Chinese Basketball League grows stronger, so with help from our Serbian allies we’re prepared to stockpile as many Nikola Jokics as possible to maintain global stability,” said NBA commissioner Adam Silver. “You saw the devastation that a single Yao Ming inflicted on the league—now imagine if our adversaries got their hands on five Jokics. We’d be triple-doubled back to the G-League. The Canadian G-League.”

Basketball officials have long warned of the dangers of hostile countries getting their hands on their very own Nikola Jokic, particularly three sinister nations dubbed the ‘Axis of B-Ball’—China, Iran, and North Korea.

“We have scouting report intel that North Korea is trying to produce their own Nikola Jokics, but thankfully they’re using Cold War-era Vlade Divac technology,” said Brendan McKillop, head of International Basketball Operations. “But the fact is that even with a hypothetical Nikola-Non-Proliferation Treaty, Jokics are already out there in the world. It’s fine if we can keep it contained to Denver, but if we don’t secure all the Jokics, next thing you know, one could go off in a real city, a big one.”

Talks between the two nations stalled, however, after Serbia sent a counter-offer of three hundred Bogdan Bogdanovićs and the rest of their Boban Marjanovic surplus.