Lakers To Retire Wilt Chamberlains’s Penis

24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history.

“We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com Arena’s head of operations John La Rochelle. “We really think it would have wanted a place of honor in the city where it was laid not only incessantly but also to rest.”

Several women who played with Chamberlain’s penis are expected to sit courtside for the game. When asked about the greatest rebounder of all time’s sidekick, Sheila Knapp of Ojai, Calif., said she’ll miss its sense of humor, its playful demeanor, and most of all its intense rivalry with Bill Russell’s penis. “True, Bill Russell’s penis won more championships. But Wilt’s penis completely transformed the game. No penis will ever put up numbers like that again.”

The ceremony will also feature a video montage of some of the penis’s most seminal moments.

“It lived hard, it died hard,” said Jeanie Buss, Lakers’ owner, wiping away a tear. “It penetrated its last vagina right here in L.A. County.” She paused and shook her head. “This city. That dick.”

In the coming months, members of the Lakers will wear a patch of Chamberlain’s legendary number-one stitched to their jerseys, and, later, Crypto.com Arena will erect a giant statue of the penis in its outdoor Star Plaza.

“We’re still polishing the details,” said La Rochelle, but he divulged that the current design has the structure listing thirteen degrees toward a statue of legendary Sparks center Lisa Leslie.