“It’s Masters Week” And 5 Other Phrases To Get The Whites Excited

The Masters tournament begins. Can you smell it in the air? The whites can, and they are “jazzed!” Are there other phrases like “it’s Masters week” that will get the whites all hot and bothered? Here’s 5 more:

 

“It’s Masters week!”

Nothing like the lush greens and perfectly manicured scenery of Augusta to get the whites whipped up into an upper-class frenzy! The imaginary golf clubs are being dusted off for those inevitable 200 air-swings that will happen over the week-long tournament. And, finally Black History and Women’s History Month are over, so now we can get back to: Straight White Systemic-Racist Man Week.

 

1) “Buy-one-get-one ascots!”

“That means we can get 3 times the ascots for the same price,” said trust fund kid Kelly to nepo-baby Grant. This is a very popular phrase until they realize it’s a sale, the thing that “the poors” need to purchase clothes legally. Don’t worry though ascot lovers! Croquet, loafers, and sailing terms are perpetually used this week exclusively.

 

2) “Let’s join a kickball league!”

Nothing gets the arhythmic wedding dancer whites more excited than kickball. Except possibly a new Bo Burnham special or someone agreeing to watch another white’s improv show.

 

3) “Is ‘Black Man’ playing this year?”

He has a name – it’s “Tiger Woods,” you silly, silly whites.

 

4) “Start your engines!!”

This usually tends to excite a much different kind of whites, who might be a bit more outspoken and verbose than your typical white. This white doesn’t know what “verbose” means, but assumes it’s a derogatory slur for whites, which is why they’re constantly holding that rifle they named “Bud.”

 

5) “Smartwool and prAna Sale at REI”

Let’s be honest, just reading this gave you Larabar-munching-Subaru-drivers a half-chub.

 

Join us next week when we will not review or offer coverage of this pretentious tournament!