Adam Silver Celebrates 675th Birthday In Translyvanian Castle

Surrounded by his players, loved ones, and dozens of brooding oil portraits of his ancestors, NBA commissioner Adam Silver celebrated his 675th birthday at his family’s Transylvanian estate last Friday.

“How delicious to have you all gathered here,” began Silver, conspicuously eyeing the veined forearms of the 18-to-36-year old athletic men he had invited to join him in his dining hall. “I am blessed to be joined by the warm, young bodies of so many companions.”

According to legend, the lavish Transylvanian manor has 70 rooms, adorned with over 200 luxurious wooden caskets made entirely from the courts of old basketball stadiums, 30 Sports Business Executive of the Year Awards (first award won by a “Volodymir Silver” in 1193 AD), and zero mirrors. But guests reported that Silver was quick to show humility in spite of his lavish surroundings, being quick to add that, “only the last quarter of the castle actually matters.”

Equally impressive was the guest list, which included many current and former NBA all-stars. The guests reported having a wonderful time, even though many questioned Silver’s insistence in holding conversation in an ancient Slavic tongue, claiming the choice alienated all but a few of the Serbian players. Nonetheless, LeBron James was reportedly “delighted” to be given the seat of honor, due to his recent effusive praise of Silver’s play-in tournament idea.

“LeBron has been an excellent and most loyal serva—uh, I mean, a huge benefit to the league,” announced Silver, ending the meal by slitting the throat of a live goose in front of his guests and dousing his birthday cake in its blood. “I can’t wait to have him back next week for a more… private dinner.”

Silver then concluded by saying he was saddened that Magic Johnson couldn’t attend the gathering, but that for some reason, having the Lakers legend for dinner always left him feeling ill.