Try Not To Think About This: Here Are 5 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Covers That Have Brought Your Dad To Completion

The old timer may be confined to an urn now, but he sure had his fun with the Swimsuit Edition. Here are five covers that sent him “pine-tarring” the old Louisville Slugger and teeing off for a solo dinger.

1. Tyra Banks, 1997.
Don’t work too hard on this image: It’s the one that made your old man a believer in the “Late-Winter Classic.” Dad’s pledge to give up masturbating that Lent was cut short by Banks’s elegant, evergreen beauty, a poem in juicy pink-on-light-pink. He came. He saw. He came again. But don’t think about it.

2. Danica Patrick’s Car, 2008.
What was it about Dad’s lust for the automobile — particularly one sponsored by GoDaddy.com? Was it the lime-green exterior or the luscious babe inside? That Sunday afternoon, your dad jerked the wheel over and over — and over. Danica may have given your dad whiplash, but he did finish. And isn’t that more important sometimes than “winning”?

3. Owners of the NFC East, 1989.
Out of sight out of mind. And yet . . . who’s this young upstart “Jerry Jones”? Yes, please. Stand him breast to breast with the NFC owners and watch their silk jackets and pleated slacks fly right off. Your dad did. His conduct merited a flag for intentionally goop-grounding the cat. But strike the image from your head. The point is, he shot one (several, really) straight through the uprights of your parents’ headboard.

4. Leyna Bloom, 2021.
The first trans woman on the cover of S.I.? Your dad is nothing if not an ally. The event, on Independence Day no less, confused and bewildered — and relieved — the old man. You walked downstairs and there he was, hunched over the oil heater, sweating away, but still wearing his Dallas Stars jersey (the away one that hid the stains).

5. Max Scherzer, 2019.
There was something about Scherzer, holding a fiery baseball, his glove sticking out like a tailfeather, that had your dad emerging from the garage with sticky hands. He claimed it was a “mix of rosin and sweat,” but your mom wasn’t fooled. She threw him out of the house and suspended him for ten days.

Join us next time when we review seven Mike Ditka cardboard cutouts that made your mom squirt.