Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Investigation: What Other Sun Is Phoenix Playing For?
The Phoenix Suns organization must answer a fundamental question to be considered a legitimate player in cosmic sports: What other suns are they playing for? As a monosunistic culture, the
Monster Truck Effortlessly Wins Daytona 500
A rookie monster truck took the checkered flag after destroying all the other cars during the first lap of this year’s Daytona 500. The Bass Pro Shop No. 47 truck
Two Bengals Season Tickets Open Up After Andy Dalton’s Parents Finally Accept Their Son For Who He Is
It’s a parent’s worst nightmare: your child has a serious problem, and despite all your efforts to lend them quarterback assistance, they cannot overcome it. Unfortunately for the parents of
Jay Gruden Proud To Announce He’s Already Halfway Through Season Six Of ‘Gilmore Girls’
Jay Gruden, who was recently fired from his job as head coach of the Washington Redskins, told reporters this Tuesday that, rather than wallowing in self-pity, he has spent the
Daniel Snyder Knows He’s Not The Problem. But, Do You?
Our owner, Daniel Marc Snyder, wishes to issue the following statement on His behalf: “Mr. Snyder fully understands that He is not now – nor has He ever been –
Cowboys Cheerleaders Unveil Cheer Asking For Health Insurance
Suppressing their pain as they gyrated in front of AT&T Stadium’s sold-out crowd, the Dallas Cowboys’ Cheerleaders debuted a new cheer this Sunday that featured them pleading with the organization
Kicker and Punter Feel Strange Pressure To Be Friends
Speaking to reporters before the game on Thursday, Cincinnati Bengals placekicker Randy Bullock and punter Kevin Huber confirmed that apparently based on their positions alone, there has always been this
Struggling WNBA Considers Lowering Rims And Replacing All Players With Men
The WNBA Board of Governors announced at their annual meeting today several rule changes under consideration to improve the bland on-court product, including whether to lower the rims and immediately
This Week’s Non-Athletic-Regular-Human Power Rankings
Last week’s rankings struck up heated debates at water coolers across the nation. We received many letters–here’s this week’s Non-Athletic-Regular-Human Power Rankings. 5. Chase Watford, 31, Accountant – Milwaukee, WI:
