Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
BMX Freestyle Event Adds BMX Butterfly And BMX Backstroke
We here at “Xtreme Hella Gnarly Biking Magazine” are stoked to announce that the BMX Freestyle event will be spiced up with Butterfly and Backstroke categories this summer at Tokyo.
Getting Back To It’s Roots: 2021 Olympics Will Encourage Athletes To Be Naked And Invade Sparta
In a bid to return the games to their former glory, the International Olympic Committee announced that Tokyo athletes will be encouraged to compete naked, as well as invade the
Gold Medal Replaced With Dogecoin
Since the inception of the modern Olympic Games, gold medals have been awarded to the first place winners of every event. However, the International Olympic Committee has decided to do
Hear Us Out: The 2021 Olympics But Russia Is Allowed To Compete Under Its Own Name And Putin Gives Me My Wife And Children Back
The world’s trust was shattered when the World Anti-Doping Agency accused Russia of altering thousands of test results and banned the country from using its name or flag in the
2021 Olympic Basketball Kicks Off With Stirring Tribute To The Many NBA Players Who Couldn’t Be Bothered To Show Up
In a touching display of affection after a difficult year, the tip-off to the 2021 Olympic Basketball tournament was preceded by a tasteful tribute to the many NBA players who
The Next Booger McFarland? This NFL Commentator Doesn’t Know What The Hell Is Going On
Are you ready for football season? Are you ready for the next Booger McFarland? As we all know Booger McFarland’s Monday Night Football stint included fantastical claims such as “Football
Ranking The Top College Pizza Towns By How Fat Their Lineman Are
Salt, acid, heat, and fat linemen – these are four cornerstones required to create a great college pizza town. Yet a definitive list ranking the nation’s college towns by way
Green Bay Packers Stock Buyback Scheme Nets Owners 3.5K Pounds Of Additional Extra Sharp Cheddar
In an effort to improve their financial statements and reduce the amount of cheddar on hand, the Green Bay Packers Board of Directors issued a stock buyback to net each
Japan Vows All Olympic Village Sexual Encounters Will Be Pixelated
Officials for the Tokyo Olympics announced today that they plan to pixelate the hundreds of thousands of sexual encounters that are anticipated to take place at the Olympic Village between
