Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Wow?: Uzbek Pitcher Can Throw 20,000 Hectares Per Soat
In what baseball scouts are calling a possibly incredible feat, 17-year-old Uzbek pitching prodigy and gold miner Makhsudbek Yusupov has blown his entire kichik shahar away by clocking in a
Dallas Cowboys Scramble To Fill Roster After Team Dies In Saloon Shootout
The big boss men up Dallas way have found theirselves in a predicament t’fill a roster after all their Cowboys done perished in a saloon shootout come last Saturday. Folk
Man At Football Game Secretly Listening To Wedding
Despite being dragged to yet another Buffalo Bills game by his wife, Jake Parker, avid nuptials fan and native Buffaloian, was prepared to secretly be listening to his cousin’s wedding.
Everyone Shut The Fuck Up: A White Man Needs To Hit A Tiny Ball In A Big Green Park
Dear Guests, Everyone who thinks it’s okay to be running their mouths right now needs to realize what’s happening and shut the fuck up. If you haven’t noticed, a white
Heartbreaking: Lacrosse Teammates Barely Call Each Other “Bro” Anymore
What’s in a name? Is that which we call a bro by any other name still super sweet? That is what the world, more specifically the Lacrosse world, is wondering
Professional Caddie Great At Having Shoulders
The golfing world rejoiced this past Thursday as professional caddie John Clarkson was awarded the holiest of all recognition from his ball-striking superiors. The “Shoulders Plaque” couldn’t have been given
Desperate Fan Cheers On Haircuts At SportClips
After several agonizing months of crowd bans at sports arenas and stadiums across the country, one local fan desperate to attend live events has resorted to cheering on haircuts at
NCAA Scrambling To Find Backup Billion-Dollar Business With Free Workforce
After a tumultuous offseason and “season,” the NCAA is reportedly looking for an alternative revenue source where they can make tons of money without doing any of the work. “People
Five Facts About Tom Brady You Can Casually Mention To Your Husband To Remind Him What A Sack Of Shit He Is
If you’re anything like us you’re constantly searching for ways to help your man improve himself, but there is so much misinformation out there. Fear not, we waded through the
