Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Incredible: Babe Ruth Won’t Return Our Calls
Wow! No matter how many times we call baseball legend Babe Ruth, he won’t pick up. He hasn’t returned a single phone call so far. But just think: We’re talkin’
Helmet Spoils Perfectly Good Decapitation
The rules on protective headgear for athletes have finally been put on display for the nation to see. Is this what we want? Decapitated football players WITH their helmets on?
Hear Us Out: If You Start ‘Dark Side Of The Moon’ When Cris Collinsworth Slides In, It Lines Up Perfectly With Sunday Night Football, Man
Sit down, pack a bowl, and get ready to have your third eye opened, dude. If you start up Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon at the exact moment
Sporting Venues Permanently Add Moment Of Silence To Commemorate Future Mass Shooting Victims
In the wake of several mass shootings that have shaken the nation’s morale and sparked debate over how to appropriately memorialize the deceased at sporting events, a growing number of
Report: Corn-Infused Shit Lying In Bowl Of Your Toilet Frontrunner For Lions QB Job
It looks like there’s already a quarterback controversy brewing in the Motor City. According to reporting from ESPN’s Adam Schefter, the corn-infused shit that’s lying in the bowl of your
Report: Rising Gas Prices Force NFL Owners To Jet Pool
With gas prices soaring across the country, the NFL’s billionaire team owners have reportedly turned to jetpooling to battle the rising cost of private jet travel. “Can you believe these
Study: Gender Disparity In Sports Journalism Linked Back To Most Women Not Wanting To Waste Their Lives
The “Harvard Business Review” released a study Thursday attributing the current gender disparity in sports journalism to women not wanting to completely waste their lives on trivial and inconsequential nonsense. The study
Opinion: Tom Brady Can Come Back From Retirement, So Can My Lazy, 82-Year-Old Father
Tom Brady — Excellence. Dedication. Sacrifice. My 82-year old dad? Lazy. Bottom-percentile measurables. Retired since 2007. Tom Brady was only retired for a month, so I think the fifteen years
4 Key Takeaways From A Wild Night Out With The Guy In The Murray State Mascot Costume
We at Sports Riot like to think we’re a worldly bunch, but nothing could have prepared us for last week’s interview with Dunker the Murray State mascot. Here’s what we
