Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Myles Garrett Picked First Overall In XFL Draft
Citing his clear willingness to take professional football to the next level, currently suspended Cleveland Brown’s defensive end Myles Garrett was selected as the first overall pick in the inaugural
NFL Removes Names From Uniforms To Stop Fans From Getting Attached
The NFL announced today that it plans to remove the names from the backs of all player uniforms in order to prevent fans from growing too attached to individual players.
Garlic Sauce-Covered Papa John Found Screaming ‘Best Friend’ Outside Peyton Manning’s Denver Mansion
Following numerous reports of a gooey, golden man repeatedly screaming, “Best friend! Best friend!” outside of Hall of Fame quarterback Peyton Manning’s Denver mansion, local authorities have confirmed that the
The Stats Don’t Lie: Tom Brady Sucks
Sometimes an athlete gains a bizarre cult following totally unwarranted by their in-game performance. After nearly two decades worth of statistical evidence for Tom Brady, it’s clear that he not
Bill Belichick Returns To Slumber For Next 27 Seasons
The New England Patriots confirmed today that head coach Bill Belichick has returned to slumber in the Gillette Stadium tunnel system for the next 27 seasons. Belichick’s dormancy comes after
Bored Baseball Fans Call For Newer, Stronger PEDs
Nostalgic baseball fans longing for the days when the sport used to be exciting staged a protest outside of Major League Baseball headquarters today, calling on the league to fund
Spokesman For Sprite, Nike, Beats, Intel, Kia, Dunkin’, Samsung, State Farm And More Finally Sells Out
Well it finally happened. One of our most beloved sports heroes and spokesman for Nike, Beats, Intel, Kia, Dunkin’, Samsung, State Farm and More finally sold out last Friday and
NFL Coach Killed In Game During Episode Of “Undercover Boss”
During the season premiere of CBS’s Undercover Boss, Head Coach of the Seattle Seahawks, Allen Fisher, was killed after fielding a punt return in the 2nd Quarter. “We really wanted
Satanists Outraged Over Offensive Nature Of New Jersey Devils Mascot
After receiving hundreds of angry letters, emails, and tweets in the past week alone, it has become clear to the New Jersey Devil’s front office that Satanists are deeply offended
