Bored Baseball Fans Call For Newer, Stronger PEDs

Nostalgic baseball fans longing for the days when the sport used to be exciting staged a protest outside of Major League Baseball headquarters today, calling on the league to fund the development of stronger, more potent performance enhancing drugs.

“Sure, some players still take PEDs, but nothing crazy, just the same old anabolic steroids from the ‘90s. Boring!” said 41-year-old Oakland Athletics fan Demario Peters, who joined the protest in a desperate attempt to save the sport he loves. “We want to see players using the really dangerous stuff—the type of drugs they use on horses at the Kentucky Derby. It’s what baseball needs.” 

The protestors demands include: modified steroids that make pitchers throw twice as fast, super-amphetamines to enhance umpires’ ability to focus on the game, and retinal amplifiers that allow outfielders to effortlessly track the ball, even on the sunniest days. “The issue with the Steroid Era was that it was mostly just power hitters who were juicing,” offered Chicago Cubs fan Terry Carson. “We believe that every player, no matter his position, deserves a drug specifically formulated to improve his performance.”

During a statement released by his office, MLB Commissioner, Rob Manfred, acknowledged the concerns of the protestors but insisted the league remains committed to ensuring that baseball continues to be “slow, boring, and borderline unwatchable until the end of time.”