The Stats Don’t Lie: Tom Brady Sucks

Sometimes an athlete gains a bizarre cult following totally unwarranted by their in-game performance. After nearly two decades worth of statistical evidence for Tom Brady, it’s clear that he not only meets these criteria, but he actually, simply, sucks.

Take the 2000 NFL draft. It was here when legendary kicker Sebastian Janikowski went 182 picks ahead of the Golden Boy, and where TB-199 had to hear household kicking names Neil Rackers and Paul Edinger called 30 and 25 picks, respectively, before his own. Do these sound like the draft statistics of someone who doesn’t suck? No, and that’s because Tom Brady, simply, sucks.

Brady has famously thrown touchdowns to 71 distinct receivers, so he must be good at spreading the love around, right? Wrong. It’s widely known Brady has only kept in touch with one or two of these receivers in his personal life. These are the actions of someone who, simply, sucks. Someone named Tom Brady.

Furthermore, Brady has either lost or failed to appear in 47 out of 56 total [possible] Super Bowls, which makes you wonder how this guy has managed to stay in the league for so long? Well, here’s his secret: simply, overcome all obstacles, competitors, and rivals in sucking so bad no one else would ever want him.