Garlic Sauce-Covered Papa John Found Screaming ‘Best Friend’ Outside Peyton Manning’s Denver Mansion

Following numerous reports of a gooey, golden man repeatedly screaming, “Best friend! Best friend!” outside of Hall of Fame quarterback Peyton Manning’s Denver mansion, local authorities have confirmed that the man causing the disturbance was, in fact, disgraced former CEO of Papa John’s Pizza, John “Papa” Schnatter, doused head-to-toe in his famous garlic dipping sauce.

“Thanks to the police, Papa John has been safely delivered to my home and is currently resting,” said Manning, a real best friend, through-and-through. “And for those concerned for his well-being, don’t be. As soon as he arrived, I wiped him down with discarded crusts, gave him a Sierra Mist shower, and heated up a small bowl of marinara for him to sip before resting his head on a pillow of garlic knots and wrapping him in a giant dough blanket.”

Police said they were able to triangulate Papa John’s location thanks to a series of cryptic, condiment-based clues the former pizza chef had left scattered around Manning’s neighborhood. “He scribbled the phrase ‘better ingredients, better friends’ in blue cheese dressing on a number of homes in addition to ‘forking’ several front yards,” said Denver Police Chief, Imani Blevins. “It didn’t take long to figure out who was responsible.”

Manning told reporters that while he’s willing to house his friend as long as necessary, ideally Papa John will sober up and leave in 30 minutes or less.