Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Brian Urlacher Stole My Hair!
A Heralding First Hand Account By Former Bears Fan Carl Kawolski Until now, I’ve never told anyone what happened to me. How could I? But, I’ll never forget the day that
It’s Time We Gave The Shortstop A Base Their Own
Look out at the field of your standard baseball game, and you’ll see the first, second, and third basemen looking as content as can be with their very own bases.
NBA Retires Carmelo Anthony
Citing the 10-time All-Star’s declining skill set and reluctance to take on a smaller role with a team, NBA Commissioner Adam Silver announced Monday that the league has determined to
New Olympic Sport: Agreeing With The Boss’ Latest Untenable Growth Hacking Idea
The International Olympic Committee has added Boss Agreement to next summer’s Olympic Games, giving top athletes the chance to showcase their transferable skills in agreeing with the boss’ latest untenable
Aaron Rodgers Retires To Spend More Time Alone With Money
After countless NFL seasons consisting of a Super Bowl victory and an MVP award, seven-time Pro-Bowl QB Aaron Rodgers announced his retirement at a press conference today, citing his desire
Hard-Fought Fencing Match Finally Ends In Murder
Capping off an evenly-matched contest that saw the two sabres trade touches for nearly nine action-packed minutes, Notre Dame freshman Alicia Copeland was finally stabbed to death by her opponent,
Shaq Averages Triple Double At In-N-Out Burger
Shaq posted another stunning performance last night, putting away 12 oz. of 100% American beef, 10 refills, and 11 stolen fries. Averaging an impressive triple double at In-N-Out Burger, Shaq
Man Finally Able To Focus On Fantasy Team Now That Divorce Finalized
After failing to qualify for the fantasy playoffs for the fourth consecutive year, 33-year-old James Sullivan believes he will be able to spend significantly more time focusing on his fantasy
NHL Launches Job Transition Program For Teaching Players Coding
As ratings and profits continue to decline, an average of 25 National Hockey League players lose their jobs every year, robbing so many hard-working athletes of their livelihoods. But, thanks
