Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
LeBron Wows Dinner Guests By Serving Ultra Rare 1962 Sprite Vintage
During a private dinner party at the James estate last weekend, soft drink connoisseur LeBron James wowed his guests with a rare 1962 Sprite vintage. Bottled at the original Coca-Cola
Where Are They Now?: The 2020 Champion Lakers
Hardly anyone can forget the NBA’s extraordinary “bubble” season where the Lakers beat Miami in six for their 17th title. But less is known about what became of that famous
Kirk Cousins Refusing To Give Up On Best Buy
Despite shopping fans’ showing an overwhelming preference for the new era of mobile retailers, Minnesota QB Kirk Cousins is refusing to give up on Best Buy, a local downward-trending big
It’s Time For Swimmers To Get Out Of The Pool And Get Into This Dangerous River
It’s high time for swimmers to graduate from the gentle waters of indoor swimming and begin the practice of racing each other in the real thing—a class IV rapids river.
History Of Sand Trap In Golf Linked Back To Single Apathetic Groundskeeper
Golf has always had a storied past, ranging from farmers hitting rocks with sticks all the way to today’s modern masterpiece of ball striking. However, until now, little was known
NFL COVID Test Returns Positive For CTE
According to sources close to the Pittsburgh Steelers, the entire NFL has breathed an immense sigh of relief this week after an undisclosed Steelers player’s initial positive COVID-19 test turned
Division III Team Really Playing Like A Division II Team Today
Spectators of the Division III football team Mount Union Purple Raiders were reportedly very impressed by Saturday’s game, saying that they could have sworn that they were watching a D-II
Father Teaches Son To Throw Perfect Spiral, Be Dishonest With Women
Local father and ex-husband Jerry Smeeksmen has reportedly begun taking his son outside to play catch and teach him yet another father-son life lesson: how to throw an absolutely perfect
Baseball Bat Spends Offseason Smashing Pinatas
It’s common knowledge at this point that athletes really never have an “off” season. The off-season now is all about improving for the next season, and it’s no different for
