Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Red Sox Front Office Immediately Responds To Team’s Winning Record By Trading Best Player
BREAKING: The Boston Red Sox coming off the heels of a series sweep of arguably the best team in baseball and their bitter rival, the Yankees, have traded their best
Stephen A. Smith Currently Developing First-Ever Hockey Bad Take
Deep inside ESPN labs, legend Stephen A Smith is concocting a take that he says will “stop the world cold.” Sources close to the situation are confirming that Stephen A,
Heartbreaking: White Sox Ground Into Game-Ending Quadruple Play
The Chicago White Sox lost another nail-biter in Toronto on Monday by way of a quadruple play. The Sox were down 2–0 in the bottom of the eighth, two outs,
Lakers Fan Assumed Team Would Have Won Championship By Now
Chase Spencer, a Los Angeles spin instructor and “the biggest” Laker fan, thought that her team would have already won the NBA championship. “Is basketball really still going? we’re the
Report: White House Deeply Disappointed Upon Learning “W” In WNBA Not For “White”
Sources close to the President have confirmed confusion and displeasure. “I love the NBA, everybody loves the NBA, who doesn’t love the NBA? But last night I wanted to watch
Hear Us Out: The Carolinas Should Get A Pro Football Team
Okay: We know the Carolinas are college-basketball country, with Duke and UNC men’s in the North and USC women’s in the South. And we know all about the Durham Bulls
An Apology From Our Editors: The Chicago Black Sox Were Not ‘Ruthlessly Gunned Down’ By Al Capone
The year was 1919, and Sports Riot, while young, was not incapable of error. Holed up on the fourth floor offices of SRHQ Chicago, our sweating, heavily drinking editors made
Why The NBA Switched From Cubic To Spherical Balls In 1973
The debate about cubic versus spherical basketballs has raged for over 50 years. Purists, of course, prefer the cubic ball and decry the modern Michael Jordan era as “soft,” “without
Rockies Highlight Reel Mostly HBPs
The Rockies’ media and video production staff was recently tasked with putting together a team highlight reel, stretching all the way back to 1993, when they joined as an expansion
