Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Someone Left A Scathing Yelp Review Of Tampa’s Raymond James Stadium And We’re Pretty Sure It Was Bill Belichick
Sports Riot discovered a chillingly calculated one-star Yelp review of the Bucs’ Raymond James Stadium and we’re pretty sure the writer, “ScowlDaddy1952,” is Patriots head coach Bill Belichick. “Field too
NFL Unveils New Ribbed Footballs For Receiver’s Pleasure
In a stunningly progressive move, the NFL debuted the Wilson® Ribbed Pig Skynz football today after decades of calls to modernize the game. The ball, which features a ribbed exterior
Nation Stunned To Learn World Series Was 3 Months Ago
From the desolate towns of Alaska to our country’s most populous cities, the nation was stunned to learn that the World Series ended a whopping three months ago in early
5 Insufferable Lessons Aaron Rodgers Learned From Ayahuasca
With Aaron Rodgers’ season finished, the retirement talk has begun. Aaron is reportedly reflecting on his year and unfortunately has contacted Sports Riot with the five lessons he learned from
Eagles’ Successes Allowing Philadelphia Man To Only Be Mad At All Other Aspects Of Life
When I was a kid growing up in Philly, I could always count on two things: My life sucked, and so did the Eagles. But for the last couple years
Learning From His Mistakes: We Tried To Catfish Manti Te’o And He Just Beat The Living Shit Out Of Us
Ten years after his infamous catfishing incident, we at Sports Riot decided to see if Manti T’eo learned from his mistakes. And we’re proud to report that not only did
NFL Proudly Debuts First-Ever Female Football
Speaking before reporters on Thursday, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell excitedly announced that the league was about to debut its first-ever female football, in what he hoped would be a move
Children’s Hospital Patient Fakes Death To Avoid Russell Wilson Visit
A children’s hospital outside Denver experienced a rash of false self-reported deaths moments before Broncos’ quarterback Russell Wilson was scheduled to visit this past weekend. Doctors at Rocky Mountain Children’s
Feminist Hero: This Man Is Doing Whatever It Takes To Fund Women’s College Volleyball
When the brave young women of the University of Southern Mississippi needed a new state-of-the-art volleyball stadium, the fatcats at the state capitol gave them the cold shoulder. They didn’t
