Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Opinion: If Shohei Ohtani Is So Good, Then Why Does He Only Play For One Team?
As a baseball fan, I’ve noticed the only thing ESPN can talk about is the “great” Shohei Ohtani. Sure, he can hit and pitch, but that’s what he’s SUPPOSED to
NFL+ Premium Subscription Will Allow Fans To View Previously Blurred Out Locker Room Dicks
As first announced on NFL social media, the NFL has announced that any fan with a subscription to NFL+ will be allowed to see any previously edited out locker room
Fuck Fly Fishing: We Want To Catch Fish, Not Flies!
When self-described hobbyist Bobby Carver finally got his fishing license, he was too proud to turn down the Bass Pro salesman for a year of couples fly fishing classes. Carver,
Pathetic: WWII Veteran Throwing Out First Pitch Can’t Even Get The Ball Over The Plate
Absolutely pathetic. I thought these guys were supposed to be manly—with the title ‘The Greatest Generation’ this guy should have a howitzer, but I’ve seen more velocity at my local
We Take A Look At The Engorged, Necrotic Genitalia That Inspired The Stanley Cup
Every year the world’s best hockey players battle it out for a chance to hoist the Stanley Cup—but did you know that the world famous trophy was actually inspired by
D-Backs Announcer Clearly Working From Home
An air of confusion fell over the city of Phoenix yesterday, as it slowly became clear to everyone watching that D-Backs local play-by-play announcer Bob Berthiaume was clearly not present
Baby Got Bunt: Five Scorching Small Ball Plays That Got All The Dads Hot In Their Dockers
Sick of “hotdogs” catching the ball one-handed or bat-flipping their way to walk-off glory? Whatever happened to manufacturing the run—you know, like the ’72 Pirates did? Does the name Richie
Dedicated Player: Rodgers Takes Time To Insult All 537,460 Packers Owners Face-To-Face
If there’s an award for “Greatest Team Player of All Time,” I nominate Aaron Rodgers. You heard that correctly. Aaron. Charles. Rodgers. The former Packers’ QB took it upon himself
Game Recognize Game: Grandma Regaling Family About Time Mickey Mantle Blew Her Back Out
An average Sunday dinner turned into an unexpected tale of unbridled geriatric lust, as family matriarch Anne Cottrell took a break from eating her signature meatloaf to recount to the
