We Take A Look At The Engorged, Necrotic Genitalia That Inspired The Stanley Cup

Every year the world’s best hockey players battle it out for a chance to hoist the Stanley Cup—but did you know that the world famous trophy was actually inspired by the engorged, necrotic genitalia belonging to the patriarch of modern hockey, Lord Stanley of Preston?

Lord Stanley famously loved two things: hockey, and his healthy, yet engorged, genitalia. He loved them both so much he even commissioned a giant trophy that looked like his prized package and presented it to the team that won a local hockey tournament – the very first Stanley Cup. The local teams were so grateful for his support that they graciously accepted the hefty bronze dick, and even drank celebratory champagne from the tip. 

But according to a letter held by the Toronto Hockey Society, Stanley’s life took a dark turn when he was playing hockey at his engorged estate and took a puck to the “pocket pills” real hard. His horrible shrieking spooked some of the stallions he kept on the grounds, and a procession of wild-eyed race horses trampled his mutton gun for a good ten minutes. By the time they stopped, his tallywacker looked like a wet hamburger in a tube sock. According to his medical records, doctors tried to put his mutilated crank back together, but it was “a real house of horrors down there.”

But Lord Stanley was beloved by the hockey community. They didn’t want him to feel ashamed of his messed up sideshow junk, so they had a new Stanley Cup crafted to resemble his mangled manhood and presented it at the next tournament. Stanley was so touched by the gesture he dropped his pants right there on the ice and waved it to the crowd to show his appreciation. An eyewitness account from a group of American Civil War medics in attendance said it was the most fucked up shit they’d ever seen, but after some pretty prolonged vomiting and fainting spells from the audience, they treated him to a standing ovation—and the rest is history.

So next time you’re watching the NHL Champs press their lips to the Stanley Cup to drink their celebratory champagne, we hope you’re thinking about Lord Stanley’s engorged, necrotic, but yet misunderstood genitalia.