Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Not Again: Shaq Eats Entire Little League Team
Cue the sports blooper reel! Looks like yet another Shaq snack-attack hit Florida’s Youth Baseball program this week. Starstruck onlookers at an Orlando Little League game confirm The Big Shamrock
Curt Schilling Threatens To Run For Office Again If Not Placed In The Baseball Hall Of Fame
Curt Schilling, enraged after once again failing to secure a spot among baseball’s immortal, announced his intention in a video to run for Massachusetts State Senate unless “the illegitimate body
Quiz: Is Your Man A Homerun Or A Ground Rule Double?
Look at him just sitting there watching Forged In Fire. He’s your man. But is he the explosive, firework-inducing, over-the-fence homerun type or more of the pretty good, no home
“Ted Lasso” Golden Globes Win Inspires World Soccer Fandom To Finally Start Caring About SNL
Soccer fans around the world have been inspired by “Ted Lasso’s” recent Golden Globes win to put aside their prejudice against American sketch comedy and cheer on “Saturday Night Live.”
Watch The Fuck Out: This Tennis Player Has A Headband
Tennis novice Paul Anderson came to a public Chicago tennis court looking for a few friendly matches but cowered with fear when he noticed his opponent sporting a fucking headband.
Unwritten Rule?: Does It Say Anywhere Chainsaws Can’t Be Used As Baseball Bats?
When I think of America’s pastime, I think of the smell of fresh ballpark food, the warm sunshine enveloping the crowd, and the roar of a serrated chainsaw blade as
NASCAR Testing New “Cards Against Humanity” Game
Last Friday, racing insiders leaked that NASCAR President Steve Phelps and the Board of Directors are reportedly testing a new game: Cars Against Humanity. While little is known about when
MLB Considering Another Steroid Era
A memo circulating among the MLB and MLBPA this week shows baseball is considering the addition of another steroid era beginning as soon as next season. “The league is essentially
Roller Hockey Team Loses Fifth Consecutive Game To Oncoming Traffic
The Lake Lions continue to slump. The local street hockey team suffered their fifth straight loss to Oncoming Traffic today in front of three passersby at Two Lane Road Arena.
