MLB Considering Another Steroid Era

A memo circulating among the MLB and MLBPA this week shows baseball is considering the addition of another steroid era beginning as soon as next season. 

“The league is essentially saying that there’s not enough punching and charging the mound by balding, acne-ridden athletes, and players seem to agree and would like more opportunities for hand-to-hand combat,” ESPN’s Tim Kurkjian said on Baseball Tonight. “The appearances before Congress were a train wreck, but everyone feels strongly that it was way cooler back when balls were being crushed outside the ballpark on a nightly basis.”

The proposal includes a partnership with Merck, Pfizer, and local dealers to ensure each player has a needle and syringe at their locker before the start of each game. Upon approval, players would be subject to a random drug test each month to confirm they are getting absolutely ripped on steroids. 

Baseball purists will undoubtedly be happy with the move, Kurkjian said, noting that the game will shift away from the modern defensive style to a more traditional, explosive, unpredictable slugfest with 120 mph fastballs and batters taunting pitchers as veins bulge from their foreheads.

Kurkjian said he expects dozens of players, such as Barry Bonds, Jose Canseco, and Mark McGuire, to come out of retirement looking more muscular than ever, however Sammy Sosa will remain permanently banned due to his corked bat scandal.