Roller Hockey Team Loses Fifth Consecutive Game To Oncoming Traffic

The Lake Lions continue to slump. The local street hockey team suffered their fifth straight loss to Oncoming Traffic today in front of three passersby at Two Lane Road Arena.

“We’re just in a slump right now, but we’ll pull through,” team captain Ryan Kucera told reporters before detailing how Traffic has just been playing extremely aggressively lately. “They’ll come at us, seemingly from both directions. It feels like they’re constantly on offense. Our goalie’s so overwhelmed by Traffic’s nonstop pressure that sometimes he’ll flee the net in fear.”

Despite Traffic’s recent success, there has been neighborhood-wide criticism of their playing style. According to Kucera, some guys on Traffic never slow down and often ram full-speed into the trash-can-goals, dislodging the net, and postponing the game. “They’re reckless. We lose at least one player to dirty hits each time we play. Most of them are from their enforcer Jimmy who is built like a Ford truck.”

Games between these old rivals have been getting increasingly violent as of late. “One of our guys got ejected and sent home for throwing a punch at Traffic’s flashy Italian player, and another guy’s been getting a lot of slashing-the-tires penalties. We’ve really lost our composure.”

The Lake Lions next matchup against Traffic will be an emotional one as Kucera’s older brother—who played travel roller hockey and was recently paralyzed from the neck down in a game against the Greyhounds—will drop the ceremonial first puck into a pothole from his wheelchair.