Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
5 Signs You’re Not Going To Win Your March Madness Pool Or Custody Of Your Kids
Sorry pal, but it looks like you’ve botched your March Madness pool — and any chance you had at a meaningful relationship with your kids outside of court-approved weekends. Here
Report: You’ll Still Be Terrible At Basketball In The Metaverse
A new study from the Pew Research Center confirmed Monday that despite your confidence in the Metaverse’s capacity to improve real life, you will still be terrible at basketball. Annie
NCAA Psychiatrists Now Believe Nation’s March Madness Symptoms Were Present As Early As Last November
Emerging evidence suggests that symptoms of the illness commonly known as ‘March Madness’ (martius insanus) may have been present in the U.S. as early as November 2021, according to NCAA
“You Can Do It” And Five Other Lies Personal Trainers Tell
Most people think a personal trainers job is to train customers to become stronger and fitter, but really, they only have one job: To lie. Here are some of the
Karate Chop Voted Greatest Move In History Of Combat Sports
After a decade-long study of kung fu masters, coaches, and the best fighters across disciplines, the greatest move in the history of combat sports has finally been revealed: the karate
Uptight Referee A Real Stickler For The Rules
After a long drawn out, albeit in depth, explanation of a little known rule; referee Todd Perkins confirmed the ruling on the field would stand and also confirmed what we
NFL Informs Philadelphia That Games Can Be Enjoyed Without Homicide
The NFL held a press conference in Philadelphia today to persuade the city’s fans that homicide is not necessary to enjoy sporting events. ⠀ The city’s notorious fan base, responsible
LeBron Wows Dinner Guests By Serving Ultra Rare 1962 Sprite Vintage
During a private dinner party at the James estate last weekend, soft drink connoisseur LeBron James wowed his guests with a rare 1962 Sprite vintage. Bottled at the original Coca-Cola
Where Are They Now?: The 2020 Champion Lakers
Hardly anyone can forget the NBA’s extraordinary “bubble” season where the Lakers beat Miami in six for their 17th title. But less is known about what became of that famous
