Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
The Top Five Founding Fathers The 76ers Refused To Put On Their Logo
When the Sixers teased an image of a bifocaled Benjamin Franklin gritting his teeth while driving a basketball, we Philly fans at Sports Riot started a list of “snubs” whose
What “Happy Gilmore” Got Wrong About PGA Sanctioned Golf Fights
While the PGA recognizes that “Happy Gilmore” is the most realistic film depicting the lives of professional golfers — from their arrogance towards commoners to their undermining of non-Christians like
Family Minature Golf Outing Perfect Opportunity For Dad To Educate Son On Committing White-Collar Crime
Son, I didn’t just bring you out here today to enjoy nine whimsical holes on this championship miniature golf course at Pirate Pete’s Putt-Putt Palace. You’re what, nine years old
Hockey Ratings Finally Topple “Mike & Molly” Rerun
In a development sure to excite NHL executives, last night’s hockey game finally surpassed a TBS rerun of the sitcom “Mike and Molly” in the ratings. A source within NHL
This Year’s Swimsuit Issue Promises 153 More Tits!
We at Sports Riot have obtained an advance copy of the “Sports Illustrated Swimsuit 2023 Editor’s Letter,” detailing the magazine’s “big developments” for this year’s issue. We have published the
Kurt Cobain’s Corpse Blows Its Head Off Again After Hearing Of Seattle Kraken’s Use Of Nirvana Song To Celebrate Goal In Amazon’s Arena
With the lights out, it’s less dangerous/ Here we are now, entertain us/ I feel stupid and contagious/ Here we are now, entertain us/ A mulatto, an albino, a mosquito,
Hear Us Out: Fuck Baltimore, Edgar Allan Poe Was A Red Sox Fan
To you, the name Edgar Allan Poe might conjure three things: the Raven-black hair, the mustache, and of course, the macabre and lamp-lit streets of Baltimore. But what if I
Study: Gender Disparity In Sports Journalism Linked Back To Most Women Not Want To Waste Their Lives
The “Harvard Business Review” released a study Thursday attributing the current gender disparity in sports journalism to women not wanting to completely waste their lives on trivial and inconsequential nonsense.
Tom Brady Can Come Back From Retirement, So Can My Lazy 82-Year-Old Father
Tom Brady — Excellence. Dedication. Sacrifice. My 82-year old dad? Lazy. Bottom-percentile measurables. Retired since 2007. Tom Brady was only retired for a month, so I think the fifteen years
