What “Happy Gilmore” Got Wrong About PGA Sanctioned Golf Fights

While the PGA recognizes that “Happy Gilmore” is the most realistic film depicting the lives of professional golfers — from their arrogance towards commoners to their undermining of non-Christians like Adam Sandler — there’s a few things the movie got wrong about PGA-sanctioned fights. Here are some of the film’s most egregious gaffes:

DISROBING HECKLERS IS ENCOURAGED

In the film, fans and officials are aghast as Happy pulls a heckler’s shirt over his head, hockey-style, before punching him in the face. But in the real world of golf, not only is such confrontation allowed, but the PGA requires both combatants to be entirely nude before punches are thrown, so as not to wrinkle their finely pressed garments.

ASSAULTING BOB BARKER IS ENCOURAGED

Though Hollywood would have you believe starting a fight with Bob Barker would result in a one-month suspension, the PGA actually rewards you for any harm committed against the elderly former “Price is Right” host, whom the PGA feels has glorified knowing the prices of everyday foodstuffs — instead of leaving such shameful knowledge to lowly personal shoppers.

GATORS AND OTHER BEASTS ARE FAIR GAME

When Happy’s ball is swallowed by an alligator, the “renegade” golfer shocks the crowd by beating the beast to a pulp as if such bare-knuckled combat with course wildlife hasn’t been standard, routine fare at PGA events since its advent. Where do you think all those stuffed bear, deer, and caddy heads in the clubhouse came from?

ALL FIGHTS NEED AN APPROVED TEE TIME

Sorry Happy, golf is a game of order and concentration, not spontaneity. All grievances must be settled according to schedule. For these events, remember to utilize your caddy’s knowledge when choosing between tire irons and wooden bats.

 

If you enjoyed this article, be sure to tune in next week when we discuss journalists — and all the other professionals — LIV Golf allows members to murder.