The Top Five Founding Fathers The 76ers Refused To Put On Their Logo
When the Sixers teased an image of a bifocaled Benjamin Franklin gritting his teeth while driving a basketball, we Philly fans at Sports Riot started a list of “snubs” whose caricatured faces we feel would better represent the city. Here are the top-five:
- JOHN HANCOCK
The old “Cock” needs a place — and a face — on the Sixers’ new logo. Sure, he was the first Governor of Massachusetts and might, in time, have been a Celtics fan. But what’s more Philly than overcompensating for your lame-ass Constitution game with a big fuck-off signature?
- THOMAS JEFFERSON
Look, it’s well documented that T.J. could ball — like, “tomahawk-lefty-dunk, knickers-to-the wig” ball. Hamilton got the musical, but we want to see Terrible Tom throw down a dirty-dunk on Gentle Ben.
- AARON BURR
When “Hamilton” came to Philly, the ticket prices were like fuck you, dude. Gouging hard-working salt-of-the-earthers with New York-level prices? That’s not Founding. That’s fucked. So for the logo we’ll take the guy who shot Hamilton. That’s Philly.
- FRED
You guys remember Fred, right? Fred — who sourced the quills on Chestnut Street? One tooth? Fred didn’t make the quills. He sourced the quills. And where would the City of Brotherly Love — nay, the nation — be without heroes like Fred sourcing quills? So: Fred. Not for the jersey, but maybe stitch the fucker’s ugly likeness onto a cap or something.
- ROCKY BALBOA
(Cue trumpets.) Nobody’s more Philly than the guy who took a one-in-a-million shot, captured the heart of the city, fell in love, and lost — and then bragged, “I did it!” Bravo, Rock: You are Mr. Philadelphia, our reigning Founding Father, and you deserve to be immortalized on a silk-screened T-shirt sold by kite-high parolees outside the Wells Fargo Center.
And these are just the top five! Trust us. There are tons. Join us next week when we debate how many times People magazine fucked Pete Rose out of ‘Sexiest Man Alive.”
