City Of Pittsburgh To Honor Ben Roethlisberger By Retiring Untested Rape Kits

Pittsburgh city officials announced that ahead of the ceremony honoring the city’s beloved quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, they’d be by retiring several boxes of untested rape kits gathering dust in the city’s police lockup.

“Ladies and Gentleman, thank you for coming out today to honor Ben Roethlisberger, a man that’s proven that if you never give up and don’t take no for an answer, there’s no alleged statute of limitations on greatness,” said City of Pittsburgh official Frank Capaldi. “That’s why we’ve decided to honor his remarkable career with the key to the city, which also coincidentally happens to open the evidence room at the Pittsburgh Police Headquarters.”

Capaldi’s speech continued to highlight that while Roethlisberger was no longer welcome in hovels like Lake Tahoe or Milledgeville, Georgia, the city of Pittsburgh was grateful enough to appreciate two decades of selective memories with the future hall of fame quarterback.

“Over his long 17 year career, Big Ben has broken down every barrier in his way to get what he wants, whether it’s a 4th quarter deficit in Super Bowl XLIII or a nightclub bathroom door,” continued Capaldi. “And now let’s give a big Pittsburgh welcome to the man who puts the Plan ‘B’ in QB1, the master of the QB sneak—Big Ben Roethlisberger!”

Refusing to be one-upped by Pittsburgh’s ceremony, the city of Cleveland announced they’d be erecting a 28 foot statue of Deshaun Watson.